Adventures in the Land of B'Ooz
by GreatOne
Summary: A very AU story about Luke following two strange droids and discovering a land of wonders
1. Chapter 1

I have decided to post this story here, too! AU insanity lies ahead. Be warned.

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**Adventures in the Land of B'Ooz**

Luke Skywalker straightened up, rubbing his sore back with his dust-covered fingers. It had taken nearly half the day, but he'd finally located and purchased the condenser parts Uncle Owen had sent him into Anchorhead to find. Running a moisture farm was hard work, and Luke looked forward to the day he would finally be able to leave this dust-ball system behind. He felt a pang of guilt thinking about that, though. Aunt Beru would miss him terribly, and Luke was certain he'd miss her, as well. Uncle Owen…now that was a different matter entirely. Sometimes Luke felt like nothing more than a hired hand to his gruff uncle, although Beru assured him that Owen loved Luke. It was just that he had a difficult time showing affection. At least that's what Beru claimed. Sometimes, Luke had his doubts. Just the other day, Luke had casually mentioned how he'd like to someday go to Coruscant and do some research and try to locate his birth-parents. Boy, did Uncle Owen come unhinged about _that_ comment, and after ranting for several minutes about how 'ungrateful' Luke was, he'd stomped off.

Sighing, he loaded the last of his boxes onto the back of the speeder, strapped them down, and started to get inside when a voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Luke!"

The young blond turned to face the caller. "Hi, Biggs. What are you doing?"

The slightly older man grinned. "A bunch of us guys are heading over to see the latest holo-flik. Wanna come? It's one of my last days of freedom before I head out to the Academy."

"Can't," Luke replied, waving at the stacked boxes. "It took a long time to find these parts, and Uncle Owen is going to be annoyed half the day is gone already."

Biggs shook his head in dismay. "You need to ship out with me. See the galaxy." He waved in the general direction of the yellow, parched land beyond the city limits. "There's more to life than sand and heat, Luke, and it's all waiting to be discovered."

"I know," Luke replied sadly. "Next year I'll be able to go."

"Not too likely," Biggs responded knowingly. "Your old Uncle will never let you leave. He likes the free labor you give him. He treats you like his slave."

Luke frowned at Bigg's description. "No, he doesn't. He just can't afford to hire help right now."

"Whatever," Biggs said. "Have fun fixing those exciting condensers." With that, he headed off to the invitingly cool holo-theater, leaving Luke staring at his back, and fighting down the temptation to risk Uncle Owen's wrath by joining the group.

Giving up the idea, Luke jumped into the speeder and headed for home. His boring, dry-as-dust, unexciting home. He maneuvered the craft out of town, then noticed an ominous dark cloud in the distance, and the hot wind blowing in his direction noticeably picked up. From long experience, Luke knew this cloud didn't contain rain, but a funnel of choking, thick, dangerously hot sand. Luke threw caution to the wind as he floored the accelerator. The hot wind whipped his hair back, and the ground blurred. The thrill of the high speed sent his blood surging through his veins, and he urged the craft to even greater velocity. The indicator lights on the dashboard began changing, moving from the normal green color to yellow… then orange… then red. Still, Luke pushed the machine in an attempt to outrun the sandstorm, listening as the whining noise from the engine increased. Then, suddenly, the speeder gave a loud bang. White smoke began seeping out from the edges of the engine compartment, and the vehicle started to buck up and down. It finally took a dive, nose first, into the sand, knocking Luke out of the craft.

Grumbling, Luke stood up and brushed the dust from his tunic, glaring at the broken speeder. "Stupid thing," he muttered under his breath as he popped the engine compartment. He drew back, wrinkling his nose at the strong odor of smoke and burnt coolant. One look told him all he needed to know – the speeder was going to need a complete engine overhaul. Luke was at least twenty klicks from his homestead, the storm was rapidly approaching, and he didn't have any spare speeder parts with him.

"Uncle Owen is going to kill me," Luke complained, pulling out his comlink. Of course, the storm might kill him first, he thought morosely. He fiddled with the controls and spoke clearly into the small tube, "Aunt Beru? Are you there? Hello?" The only sound in return was static, and Luke shook the small device in frustration. "Great… just great! Don't tell me this is broken, too. Does nothing work right on this stupid planet?"

"I hardly think you can blame Tatooine for your broken speeder, considering how fast you were pushing the poor thing," a refined voice said from behind his left shoulder.

Luke jumped back, startled. He spun around to face the covered being. "Who… are you?"

A human hand pushed back the brown robe's cowl, revealing the face of a kindly-looking older man. "Ben Kenobi. Perhaps I can be of assistance."

"You're Ben Kenobi?" Luke asked in surprise. "I've heard of you."

"Good things, I hope."

"Well," Luke said slowly, not wanting to hurt the man's feelings by telling him that most of his friends and family considered the hermit a bit odd. "It's just talk."

"I see," Ben replied, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "And you would be…?"

"Oh. I'm Luke Skywalker!"

The older man's expression shifted briefly, taking on a pensive look before once again turning pleasant and benign. "You should probably come with me, Luke."

"Come with you?" Luke repeated, shaking his head negatively. "No, I've got to get home. My uncle needs these parts."

Ben waved his hand toward the west. "Your comlink won't work because of interference from that dust storm. We should just barely have time to make it to my home in the Jundland Wastes before it arrives."

Luke glanced worriedly over his shoulder where Ben indicated. Indeed, the large mass of black, swirling dust was getting much closer. "I can't leave my speeder parked out here," he said. "It'll either get buried by sand or Jawas will steal it."

"And if you stay with the speeder, you will most certainly die," Ben returned. "Is an old speeder and some equipment worth your life?"

"Considering my uncle's reaction when he finds out I lost them, I'd have to say the answer is yes."

Ben laughed. "Then I'll accompany you home once the storm has passed and take the blame."

"It's not like I'm going to have much of a choice," Luke groused, scratching his head.

He followed the old man, who moved surprisingly fast, into the canyon and then up a rocky incline to what appeared to be a natural cave, with the opening fitted with a durasteel door.

"So this is where you live," Luke said.

Ben smiled. "The door is a dead give-away, isn't it?"

Luke flushed, embarrassed at his comment.

The old hermit tugged at the door, and indicated Luke should enter. "Come inside, son. I don't bite, even if your friends think I do."

"Nah," Luke said as he followed the man into the cool and surprisingly homey interior. "They don't think you're a vampire. Just a wizard, that can do magic."

"A wizard?" Ben said thoughtfully, stroking his beard. "Perhaps my reputation precedes me."

"So you are a wizard?" Luke questioned, startled.

"The galaxy contains many things that cannot be explained, and whatever cannot be explained is frequently considered magic." The old man hesitated, then indicated that Luke should take a seat. "Would you like something to eat or drink? I am something of a magician in the kitchen."

Nodding, Luke sat down on an old, but comfortable sofa, and watched as Ben disappeared into another room. He could hear the man rattling around in the other room, and felt his eyelids grow heavy as the outside wind howled louder with each passing minute. Suddenly, the outer door banged open, and Luke sat up in surprise as two droids hustled inside the hut.

The first droid was a short, blue and white astromech, and he was closely followed by a tall, gold-colored humanoid droid. "I am telling you, Artoo, this is a mistake!"

The little droid gave an annoyed sounding toodle, and rolled past Luke without pausing.

"We are NOT late, I am telling you!" the tall droid argued. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Hey!" Luke interrupted. "Where did you come from?"

The tall droid waved his arm toward the outside door. "We came from over there."

"Do you belong to Old Ben?"

The tall droid hesitated briefly. "What do you think we are… slaves? How insulting!" He returned his attention to the astromech droid, who was busying tugging at a tiny door with his extended 'arm'. The door was about waist high, and Luke hadn't noticed it before. "Artoo!" the tall droid yelled indignantly. "Do NOT go into that door!" The door swung open, and the little droid tilted forward to clear the top edge of the door, then rolled forward and disappeared inside without hesitating. The tall droid looked at Luke. "He never listens to me. Now I have to follow him, or who knows what kind of trouble he'll get into."

Luke watched in awe as the tall droid bent over at his 'waist' awkwardly, then shuffled into the entryway. Luke jumped up, and peered into the door. Neither droid could be seen, only a long, well-lit, narrow corridor. "Hey!" Luke called out. "Where did you guys go?"

The young man glanced over his shoulder toward the kitchen and debated asking Ben about the strange droids. Then he shrugged, and got down on his hands and knees, and followed the droids down the corridor.


	2. Chapter 2

Luke crawled for a long time through the winding tunnel. Several times he'd arrive at a point that was so narrow he thought he'd have to shuffle backwards. But when he would get closer, the opening suddenly seemed larger, and he could proceed. Eventually, he arrived at the end of the tunnel, and was disappointed to find that a small, two-foot high door was the only way out.

"Well, I can't get through that," Luke grumbled aloud, wondering where the droids had gone. Surely even the astromech wouldn't have been able to squeeze through. Luke reached down, and tugged at the tiny handle. The door squeaked open, sending a stream of bright light around his knees. He dropped to his stomach and peered through the opening. He could see some blue vegetation just beyond the hole, and an invitingly cool breeze wafted past his nostrils. He wiggled his fingers into the grass. "So close, yet so far away."

Suddenly, a small but strong stick whacked down on his fingers, and Luke quickly withdrew his hand. "OW!" He sucked his throbbing knuckles, glaring through the opening, and gave a gasp of surprise as a green-faced creature with large ears and wide eyes appeared in the opening, gazing back at him with a scowl. The creature was no taller than the length of Luke's hand. "Who are you?"

The creature waved the offending stick in his direction. "Who is the giant idiot stuck inside the tree, would a better question be!" the being snapped back.

"My name's Luke Skywalker," Luke supplied. "I was following a couple of droids. I just can't figure out how they got through this tiny hole."

"Do or do not!" screeched the creature, whacking the tiny, but obviously very strong, stick against the doorframe.

"Hey!" Luke yelled. "Quit hitting things with that twig. You're gonna hurt someone."

"Good! Pain only the dimwitted can fathom."

Luke sighed. "Is there some other way out of here?"

"Eyes you must shut, then concentrate making yourself small, you must."

"That's the dumbest advice I've ever heard."

"And that is why you will fail," the creature muttered, turning to leave.

"Okay.. wait!" Luke called out. "I'll shut my eyes and concentrate!" He shut his eyes, imagining himself shrinking and shrinking… and when Luke opened his eyes, to his utter surprise, he was easily able to walk through the doorway, and the creature was now about two feet high. Or, perhaps, the creature was still about eight inches tall, and Luke was now very, very short.

Luke craned his neck and peered around his new surroundings. The grass was still quite blue, and the sky was a vivid pink, with a greenish sun glowing down from the sky. "I've never seen a green sun before," Luke commented as he gazed toward the sky. Then he pointed at the towering tree with purple leaves. "Is that the tree I was trapped inside? I didn't start out inside a tree. It was a hut, on Tatooine. Ben Kenobi's hut. But I don't think I'm on Tatooine anymore."

"Babble you do. Therefore, The Son of the Chosen One you must be," the creature surmised. "Free the enslaved beings of the Land of B'Ooz from Pimpletime, the Evil Emperor of Eats, you must accomplish."

"Huh? Don't you mean east?"

"Eats said I, and eats mean I. Enjoys his meals, Emperor Pimpletime does. All in the Land of B'Ooz knows this." The green being shook his head sadly. "Never would I have suspected Luke, The Son of the Chosen One, as being a moron."

Luke was getting tired of these insults. "What's your name, little green guy?"

"Yoda the Wise Green Sage, they call me, although a bit redundant it seems to be. You must follow your path, Luke, The Son of the Chosen One, and meet your destiny."

"But I was just following a couple of droids," Luke argued. "I don't have time to meet my destiny." He looked around.

Yoda laughed. "Wait destiny does not."

He started to shuffle away, hesitating when Luke called after him. "Wait!"

"What now? Busy is Yoda, The Wise Green Sage. No time for babbling fools, have I. Need my guidance, they do."

"Who needs your guidance?"

"Ewokins, of course."

"What are Ewokins?" Luke questioned.

Yoda waved his gimer stick under Luke's nose. "Doubts have I that The Son of the Chosen One has a brain. This is Ewokinland, and worshiped am I by the intelligent beings that abide here."

Luke gazed around the empty blue prairie. "I don't see anyone."

"Scared them you did, when your tree landed in the middle of their village."

"Landed?" Luke repeated. "I wasn't flying a tree. I've already told you I was following two droids through a tunnel. I haven't got a clue how I got inside that tree, or where it came from."

"Surprise me, this does not," Yoda sniffed. "Nevertheless, the tree arrived only when you arrived. Land it did, and inside were you. Therefore, you landed the tree. Do not argue with Yoda, The Wise Green Sage."

Luke folded his arms across his chest. "I think you're lying. About everything."

The gimer stick flew at Luke, and struck Luke's kneecap before he could jump away. "ARGH!" he screamed, jumping around on his good leg. Suddenly, hundreds of small furry creatures that resembled vicious fuzzy bears jumped out from behind rocks and bushes, brandishing spears toward the startled human. "What are those things?!"

"Ewokins," Yoda said smugly. "Lie, I do not. One word from their Wise Green Sage, and Luke, Dumb Son of the Chosen One will a pincushion become."

Luke held up his hands in defeat. "Okay. I was wrong. But why do these Ewokins look so much different than you, if you're their leader?"

Yoda smiled as he stroked his own face with his curved finger. "Blessed with my divine good looks, not all can be." He waved his arms at the Ewokins, and chattered something in their language. The creatures nodded, then started dancing around Luke, while warbling an incomprehensible song.

"Now what are they doing?"

"Dancing the dance of farewell and good luck. Pointing the way, they are."

"The way to where?"

"Your destiny, Luke, The Extremely Slow and Dimwitted Son of the Chosen One. Destroying the Evil Emperor of Eats. Told you, did I once already. Short memory you have. Ginkgo you must need."

Luke decided it was probably safer not to ask who Ginko was, so instead he said, "Oh, yeah. Well, I don't know how to find this Evil Emperor. And why should I risk my life for you guys? I don't even know you."

"You are Luke, the Glorious and Humble Son of the Chosen One. A hero you must surely be."

"You keep saying I'm the son of a chosen one. Do you know my father?"

Yoda's eyes got even wider. "Father?"

"Yeah. My father. You know. The guy that, um… fathered me."

"How does one go about fathering one?" Yoda asked. "Ginkgo does this require?"

"Who's this Ginkgo dude? Sometimes Viagra might be needed, but not Ginkgo."

Yoda frowned. "Viagra? Imperial dancing girl is this?"

"No. It's not a girl at all. It's a pill."

"From a pill you came? Not a tree?"

"NO! I didn't come from a pill! Or a tree." Luke flushed, and tried again, "First there's a girl, you see… and then she meets a guy. That would eventually be the father. And after they fall in love – "

"Stupid, this conversation is," Yoda interrupted Luke, much to Luke's relief. "Wasting time this is. Follow your destiny, and friends to aid you, find along the way you will."

Luke threw up his hands in exasperation. "Where is this Evil Emperor?"

Yoda pointed his stick behind Luke, waiting until he turned around to see what he was pointing at. "Repeat this, will I, since a lame student you are. Follow your path, and a hero you will be." A bright purple paved path curved away, disappearing into the far horizon.

"Where did that come from?" Luke asked. "That path wasn't here before."

"It was. Follow it, you must, for it is your purple path, and yours alone. Guide you it will to posterity and heroity."

"Heroity? That's not even a word."

"Liar, Yoda is not." With those words, Yoda slowly shuffled off into the blue field, with the large group of menacing Ewokins trailing in his wake.

Luke was confused and alone.


	3. Chapter 3

Luke discovered that the door in the tree was completely gone. He walked around the tree, puzzled that the exit could simply have vanished. It was apparent that things liked to disappear in the Land of B'Ooz.

Left with no choice, Luke decided he should follow the purple paved path. As he started out, he felt a strange urge to start skipping along, with tiny voices in his mind chanting, 'Follow the purple paved path! Follow the purple paved path!' It was disconcerting to say the least, until he happened to look up into the tree branches hanging above the path. Only then did he notice the Ewokins sitting on the branches, chanting the phrase in Basic, and tossing odd looking, round white objects at him. At first, Luke ducked away, until he realized the white objects were soft and spongy. He stopped walking, and picked one up, inspecting it closely. Another one bounced off his head, and the glared up at the Ewokin. "Stop that!"

The creature responded by popping one the things in his mouth and eating it. Curious, Luke tasted the white sponge. It was sticky and cloyingly sweet. Why he kept picking up more and eating them, he couldn't quite figure out.

Eventually, the path took him deeper into a dark forest, and he left the strange creatures behind. Now the creaking overhead branches seemed almost alive, as if they wanted to reach down and grab him. Luke tried to shake off the sensation of being watched. He soon rounded a corner, and stepped back in surprise. Across the path lay a rectangular block of what appeared to be a metal box, and as Luke cautiously stepped closer, he could see a gray, frozen figure of a man pointing a blaster toward the sky. Colorful lights blinked on the side of the box.

"Wow. What a weird looking sculpture," Luke commented, kicking the side of the box. Inadvertently, his toe hit one of the flashing buttons, and the box started humming loudly. Frightened, Luke jumped away from the block as strange lights flashed from the human-looking figure. When the lights stopped, Luke could see that the figure inside the box wasn't a sculpture at all but a real, live man. He leaned over the box. "Hello? Are you alright?"

The man in the box squeezed the trigger of the blaster still in his grasp, and a flash of blaster-bolt shot upward, barely missing Luke's face. "HEY! Watch where you're pointing that thing!"

"Myyyy…." The man in the box stuttered out. "Mmmmyyyy."

"Mommy? Are you asking for your mommy?"

The man opened his eyes, and squinted up at Luke. "My shi…p….I… I've made the Kessel Run in less tha.. than twelve parsecs."

"Hi. My name is Luke Skywalker. I just rescued you."

"I'm not owing you a lifedebt," the man muttered, climbing out of the box, and straightening out his vest. "What do you think I am? A Wookiee?"

"No."

"Name's Han Solo," the older man said, sticking out his still-cold fingers and giving Luke a hearty handshake. "The Handsome Sexy Smuggler with a Heart of Gold. Of course, right now, my heart is missing."

"Missing?"

"Yeah, lost. But I'll find it again. Trust me."

Luke hesitated before asking, "Does everyone in this strange place have a title?"

"Of course, but it's called a tag here. What's your tag?"

Luke thought back to all the things Yoda called him, and quickly discarded the majority. "Luke, the Glorious and Humble Son of the Chosen One."

Han eyed the young man with disdain. "Don't get cocky, kid."

"But you just called yourself – "

"Every word of it's true," Han interrupted hotly. "I can't help the perfection that I am."

"And I can't help it if Yoda the Wise Green Sage gave me that tag!" Luke shot back.

"Yoda?" Han asked in awe. "You've met Yoda?"

"Yes, and he told me it was my destiny to destroy the Evil Emperor of Eats, and free the Land of B'Ooz."

"I see," Han said, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "I used to love the Land of B'Ooz. Until, you know…"

"No, I don't know."

"Until Pimples banned the booze," Han explained, rolling his eyes. "How can anyone justify banning booze in a place called B'Ooz?"

"How did you end up in, um…?" Luke pointed to the empty container.

"That's called a carbonite chamber, kid. You don't ever want to end up frozen in that box. It's not fun, let me tell you."

"I can believe it," Luke said.

"How I ended up frozen is a long, long story, kid," Han continued. "But if you want some company, I'll fill you in on the details. Who knows? Maybe I can teach you a thing or two about B'Ooz. Not to mention booze."

"I'd like that."

"Of course you would," Han said as he started down the purple path, pausing only to wave Luke to follow. "Who wouldn't like to be in the company of a Handsome Sexy Smuggler with a Heart of Gold? Well, except a certain dark-haired Witch. Don't let anyone tell you there's such a thing as a Good Witch, kid. They're all wicked."

"So this witch is the one that had you frozen? How can that be considered good?"

"There's good, and then there's gooood," Han replied with a wink. "Try to keep up, kid. Her name's Leia, and she didn't have me frozen. It was her father that did it, and all because we fell in love. He told me there are laws in the Land of B'Ooz against Handsome Sexy Smugglers with Hearts of Gold falling in love with the daughter of Vader, the Vile Vicar of the Vest."

Luke felt flummoxed. "Vile Vicar of the Vest?"

"Well, if that doesn't describe Vader, I don't know what does. You should see the type of vest Vader wears," Han said. "But let me tell you about Leia, the Good Witch of the Nots. She's positively perfect in almost every way, kid. She's got these big brown eyes and long hair, and floats around inside this big bubble, while waving this really cool magic wand."

"A bubble?"

"Yeah, a bubble. You got a problem with that?" Han snapped. "What do you think she should use to float around? An umbrella?"

"No. I don't even know what an umbrella is."

"What a sense of humor Leia's got! Can you believe she jokes around and calls me a scruffy looking nerfherder? She claims she doesn't want to kiss me!" Han let out a hearty laugh. "We all know what a joke that's gotta be. No woman in her right mind wouldn't want a piece of this." Han gave his thumb a jab toward his chest.

Luke sighed, knowing it would be useless to argue. "So, does Leia the Good Witch of the Nots love you, or hate you?"

"Two sides of the same coin, kid. I can't wait to find her again, since she's the reason my heart is missing at the moment. As soon as I find her, I'll find my heart. She'll be so happy I'm unfrozen, she'll go into a swoon and throw herself into my waiting arms." He smiled at the thought. "She'll still deny she loves me. That's why she's the Witch of the Nots." He continued in a high-pitched tone, "I do NOT love you, Han Solo, the Handsome Sexy Smuggler with a Heart of Gold. I do NOT, do NOT love you. I will NOT, will NOT kiss you, either!"

"I see," Luke said slowly, trying to decide if Han was telling the truth, or just insane.

Both men rounded a bend in the path, and stumbled to a halt. Down the slope was a field, but it wasn't just any field. It had red and black squares about three feet by three feet each, one after the other, laid out exactly like a giant game board. And standing in half of the squares were beings, both human and non-human, busy fighting each other.

"What are they doing?" Luke asked in surprise.

"Those are Freedom Fighters," Han explained, shaking his head. "If you get caught committing a crime in B'Ooz, you become a Game Piece, and the only way you earn parole is to fight in the game and win."

"Do these beings need our help?"

"We're not allowed to interfere," Han said. "It's against the law, and you don't want to end up as a Game Piece, do you?"

"No, I guess not."

As they got closer, Han pointed excitedly at the Game Board. "Look! There's Chewie! We gotta help him." He pulled out his blaster and started running toward the Board.

"But you just said…" Luke tried protesting. But it was too late. Han was busy firing his blaster at the other Freedom Fighters, and not noticing the sudden appearance of hundreds of very squat-looking stormtroopers over on the far side of the Game Board.


	4. Chapter 4

"AHHHH!" Han screamed, rushing madly toward the stormtroopers.

Luke shook his head in dismay. "He's going to get himself killed." Then, to Luke's utter surprise, the stubby stormtroopers tossed their blasters on the ground, and turned to run away. Run was probably a generous term, as it was more like a fast waddle. As soon as it became apparent that the guards had abandoned their posts, the Freedom Fighters rushed away from the Game Board, quickly disappearing into the thick woods. Only the Wookiee remained behind, cowering on the ground and covering his head with his thick, hairy arms. Luke hurried over to join Han, who was now standing next to the Wookiee and patting him on the head.

"There, there, pal," Han said soothingly. "All the mean stormtroopers and the other Fighters are gone. You can relax now."

"What kind of stormtroopers were those?" Luke questioned as he stopped next to the pair.

"The Gamorrean kind," Han explained. "The armor doesn't fit them too well, and they can't shoot worth a thin credit."

The Wookiee looked up balefully, and let loose with a loud howl.

"I've never heard of Gamorrean stormtroopers before," Luke mused, then waved at the Wookiee. "What's his problem?"

"This is Chewbacca, the Boldly Brave and Ferociously Fearless," Han said by way of introduction. "But he's had a bad experience, and so he lost his courage." Han tried to encourage Chewbacca to stand up. "Don't worry, pal. We'll get it back."

"How did he lose his courage?"

"It was all the fault of a slicker named Lando Calrissian," Han groused. "It was Chewie's lifeday, and Lando, the Suave and Conniving Gambler, gave Chewie a cute little wooden outhouse for a present. It looked just like the real, old-fashioned Wookiee depository, only about a foot high. Then Lando told Chewie to open the tiny door. So, very innocently, Chewie tugged at the door, and then the whole outhouse exploded into dozens of pieces!"

Chewie whimpered at the memory. "That's okay, Chewie," Han muttered. "It's all over, now." Han looked meaningfully at Luke. "Poor Chewie hasn't been the same since. Lando laughed his rear off, until I started blasting at him, and he ran off screaming."

"How did Chewbacca end up as a Game Piece?"

"Pimples' minions caught him, and had him arrested on trumped up charges. Pimpletime likes his entertainment to be live," Han said. "Which reminds me…" He gazed around the Game Board, pointing his blaster at the tall posts on the edge of the checkered field. "Those are the Emperor's holocams." Han started blasting away at the posts, sending them crashing down and sizzling. "We'd better get outta here, before the Evil Emperor sends his flying Jawas to arrest us for ruining his fun, and letting all the prisoners escape."

"Jawas can't fly," Luke protested.

"Sure they can't," Han agreed easily. "And dewbacks can't swim, either."

"They can't!"

Chewie stood up and let out a woof. Han nodded at his partner. "The kid's delusional, Chewie. Humor him."

They turned to head back to the purple path, when Luke pointed in excitement. "There they are!"

"Who, kid?"

"Those droids! The ones I followed to get to B'Ooz. I've got to catch up to them."

"But they're going the opposite way of the purple path," Han argued. "Didn't Yoda, the Wise Green Sage, tell you to follow the purple path?"

Luke ignored the smuggler, and ran toward the droids. "HEY! YOU TWO! STOP!"

"We can't," the protocol droid shouted back. "Artoo says we're late!" With that, they disappeared behind a bush.

The young man was not to be denied, and doggedly continued his pursuit. Han and Chewie followed on his heels. Luke tore through the brush and bramble, ignoring the thorns tearing at his clothes. Eventually he stopped running as he realized the droids were, once again, gone. "Dang it," Luke cursed. "Where did they go?"

"Why the heck do you care about those droids?" Han said, panting to catch his breath. "Do they belong to you?"

"No," Luke admitted. "I thought maybe they could tell me how to get home."

Han gazed around their surroundings. "We need to get back to the purple path. Follow me and I'll lead the way. I'm Corellian, and Corellians can't get lost, you know."

"Good to know," Luke replied as he followed Han and Chewie. Quite a while later, Luke stopped at a prickly bush, tugging a small piece of white cloth from the vine. "Hey, this is the same bush we've passed three times already! I marked it earlier. We're lost."

"That's not possible," Han argued. "I told you I'm Corellian - " Chewie interrupted with a loud roar, shaking his head. "Well, if you're so smart, you lead the way," Han said to the Wookiee, miffed.

The Wookiee growled his agreement, and stalked away, forcing the two men to follow. Soon, they came upon a narrow dirt path, to which Chewie pointed happily.

"What's this prove?" Han asked. "You have no idea where this heads off to."

"It doesn't matter," Luke said. "It's a trail, so it's better than where we were."

Chewie gave a triumphant bark, and nodded his agreement. While they continued to argue about which direction to take, they headed down the path. As they rounded a corner, they all stepped back in surprise. A very large, obese, worm-like creature sat upon a giant toadstool, smoking a hookah, and wearing vivid orange sunglasses as it gazed down at them. The sunglasses kept slipping down, since the creature had no ears to hold them up. Or much of a nose for that matter, either.

"Who are you?" Luke stuttered out.

"Harrison, the Humungous and Humble Hutt, at your service," the Hutt wheezed out, pushing up the sunglasses. "Would you like a puff?" He held out his pipe as an offering.

"Looks pretty good," Han admitted, taking one step forward before a frightened Chewie pulled him back.

"Harrison's a pretty funny name for a Hutt," Luke said.

"Why is that?" the Hutt asked, annoyed.

"Well, you know… a Hutt isn't exactly hairy." When no one said a word, Luke tried again, "Harrison… Harry?"

"I suppose, now that I consider it," Harrison mused. "Harrison…Harry … a hairy Hutt…" He threw his head back and laughed loudly.

"Something about this conversation should offend me," Han stated. "But for the life of me, I can't figure out why."

"Are you related to Jabba the Hutt?" Luke questioned. "I've heard of Jabba. He lives on Tatooine. That's where I'm from."

"Jabba?" Harrison asked in disgust. "He's a distant relative, from the wrong side of the family bog. Please don't say his name in my presence. It makes me want to regurgitate."

"Me, too," Han muttered under his breath.

"Do you happen to know the way to the purple paved path?" Luke asked the Hutt.

Harrison gave his sunglasses another push. "I will answer your question, if you answer mine."

"Okay," Luke agreed.

"This is my question – What makes the little red ant think he can move a rubber-tree plant?"

"That's not a fair question," Luke argued. "I don't even know what a rubber-tree plant is!"

"Much less how an ant happens to think he can move one," Han added.

"Everyone knows an ant can't move a rubber-tree plant," Harrison continued, staring into the pink sky. "So I need to know why it thinks it can."

"Are you going to tell us where the purple paved path is, or not?" Luke demanded.

"He's got high hopes," Harrison said sadly.

"Yes, I am hoping you'll be kind enough to help us."

"That poor little old ant has such high hopes," Harrison repeated with a big sigh as a tear ran down his wrinkled brown face. "Ants are tasty coated in chocolate."

Han sidled up next to Luke and whispered out of the side of his mouth, "This Hutt is nuts. We'd better leave before he decides we're tasty coated in chocolate, too."

Luke nodded his agreement, and they quickly hurried away from the Hutt, who was still pondering aloud about ants and rubber-trees and chocolate.

They had only gotten a short distance when they heard a plaintive cry coming from the middle of an amber field of maize. "Helps mesa! Oh, pleasa can someone helps mesa!"


	5. Chapter 5

"What's that?" Luke asked, cocking his head to listen.

"I don't hear anything," Han said. "Do you hear anything Chewie?" Chewie opened his mouth to respond, but Han quickly interrupted. "Nope. Chewie doesn't hear anything, either. Let's get going. We have to find this path before it gets too dark."

"It sounds like someone's in trouble."

"It was just your imagination, kid."

The voice drifted through the waving maize once again. "I begs yousa! Helps!"

"There it is again!" Luke insisted.

"That was the wind," Han responded firmly, trying to pull Luke along. "It wasn't anything intelligent, trust me."

Luke shook off Han's grip. "I'm checking it out." He headed out into the tall grass, ignoring Han's warnings that he was going to get lost, and that Han Solo, the Handsome Sexy Smuggler with a Heart of Gold was NOT going to come out there and find him, due to the fact he was currently minus his heart.

"Hello?" Luke called out, trying to see over the waving stalks. "Where are you?"

"Isa right here!" the voice responded, sounding quite close.

Luke made his way closer, and came upon a strange looking lanky creature with eye stalks and long floppy ears sitting on the ground. "There you are," Luke said. "Are you hurt?"

"Mesa lost," the being sniffed loudly. "Mesa canst find mesa way outta here."

"I'll help you," Luke volunteered. "The path isn't very far away."

The being jumped up, hugging Luke enthusiastically. "Thank yousa!"

"What's your name? Mine's Luke Skywalker."

"Nice to meets you, Lukerwalk. Mesa is …" he stopped, frowning in thought. "Um…oh, yeah. Can Can Jinx, the Exceedingly Cerebral and Highly Graceful Gungan."

"Cerebral?" Luke asked. "So you're smart?"

"I useda be one fine rocket science-gungan," the being wailed loudly, tapping his forehead. "Before he stole me smarts!"

"I see," Luke said slowly. "How did that happen?"

"Dem Evil Emperor, Pimpletime, gots mad at mesa, and fire flew from his fingers into mesa skull. When mesa woke, mesa not remembers how to be smart anymore."

Luke repressed the urge to sigh. "Follow me, and I'll show you the way out of the field." He started to head back and had gone several steps before he realized the Gungan wasn't behind him. "Can Can?"

"Oopsie! I head the wrongs way. Mesa bad." The Gungan bounced back through the grass, smiling broadly. "Leader way!"

Keeping a close eye on the Gungan, Luke worked his way out of the field and back to the dirt trail, where Han and Chewie waited impatiently. "I found someone," Luke said, trying to keep the smugness out of his tone, as he waved at the timid being. "Can Can Jinx, met Han Solo and Chewbacca."

"I told you it wasn't anything intelligent," Han growled out. "How could you bring something back named Jinx? Don't you think we're having enough bad luck as it is?"

"Hanso nots like mesa?" Can Can threw his head back and started snorting.

At first, Luke thought he'd gotten something caught in his throat until it occurred to him the Gungan was crying. "Now you've hurt his feelings," Luke said, glaring at Han.

"Tough. I haven't got a heart… remember?"

"How did I get stuck with a heartless smuggler, and cowardly Wookiee and a dumb Gungan?" Luke asked himself aloud as he stalked away from the group.

After only a moment's hesitation, Han, Chewie and Can Can followed the farmboy.

* * *

"We're never going to find the purple paved path," Han complained after they'd hunted around for another hour. "Never, never, nev-"

"What in the galaxy is that?" Luke asked, interrupting the smuggler's griping. He pointed up to the sky at a small floating form that seemed to be getting closer with each passing second.

Chewie let loose with a loud yelp of fear, and tried to hide behind Han. Can Can gazed upward, and commented, "Mesa thinks it be a fire-gnat."

"It's not a fire-gnat," Luke stated. "It's too big."

"A meatier-righty-tidy, den," Can Can declared firmly.

"No, it's not a meteorite, either," Luke said.

"I know what – who – it is," Han said, his voice filled with dread. "It's Mara, the Good Witch of the Mouth."

Luke looked flummoxed. "Who? The Good Witch of the North?"

"No, the _Mouth_. Once you meet her, you'll understand. Mara, the Good Witch of the Mouth is Leia's third cousin, twice removed," Han explained. "She's got a real bad attitude, kid. You'd better watch what you say to her, or you'll end up in worse shape than I was when you found me."

Luke watched as the Witch of the Mouth floated ever closer, and eventually he could see she was holding a stick with some type of attached canvas curved over her head. "What's that thing she's holding?"

"That's an umbrella," Han said. "She uses it to fly."

"So that's what an umbrella is," Luke exclaimed. "I never knew that."

"Mesa might've known, but mesa forget," Can Can added unhelpfully.

Luke couldn't stop gaping as Mara landed lightly in front of him. She was the most beautiful woman Luke had ever seen, with gold-red hair and green eyes. And the outfit she wore! A low-cut, skin-tight black leotard that left nothing to the imagination. Luke felt his face blush hotly. "Hi," he stuttered out breathlessly. "You're wonderful."

"I know," Mara replied snidely. "You're trespassing. I suggest you leave immediately, or I'll be forced to turn you into gourds." She waved a small metal rod threateningly in Luke's direction.

"Mesa always wanted to be a gourd," Can Can said. "Deys wears cool uniforms."

"A gourd isn't the same thing as a guard," Luke explained.

"'Sides, I'm pretty sure you're already a gourd," Han put in.

"Can you tell us the way to the purple paved path?" Luke asked Mara. "Yoda told me to follow it to my destiny."

"And what is your destiny?" Mara asked, sounding bored.

"I have to destroy Pimpletime, the Evil Emperor of the Eats."

Mara's green eyes flashed in anger. "You don't have a clue what you're getting yourself into, Farmboy."

"My name's Luke Skywalker," Luke said. "How did you know I'm a moisture farmer?"

"You smell like one."

Chewie woofed in amusement, and Han laughed while Luke's blush deepened. "That's not nice," Luke grumbled.

"Who said I was nice?"

"You're supposed to be a GOOD Witch!"

"There's good, and then there's gooood," Mara said with a suggestive leer. "But, before I leave, I'll point you in the right direction and give you a piece of advice."

"Which would be?"

"Whatever the Wizard in the Platinum Palace tells you to do, do the opposite."

Luke scratched his head in confusion. "What Wizard?"

"Yoda the Wise Green Sage left out that part, didn't he?" Mara asked, grinning. "Those guys always leave out important details. The purple paved path leads to the Platinum Palace, which is inside the Crystal City, where Obi-Wan, the All-Knowing Wizard of the Land of B'Ooz resides. The Wizard is the one who will give you the weapon you need to fulfill your destiny. But, don't forget! Whatever he tells you to do, do the opposite!"

Mara opened her umbrella, and started to float up. "The purple path is over there," she said, pointing to the left. "Watch out for the flying Jawas! They bite."

And then she was gone.


	6. Chapter 6

Mara the Good Witch of the Mouth had given them good directions, and soon the motley group was back on the paved purple path. As the sun was beginning to set they walked over a small rise in the land, and in the distance they could see a beautiful, glittering city of silver and white. The green-colored sun was low in the sky, and it was now an aqua-hued ball, which added to the lovely vision before their eyes.

"Golly," Luke said, his eyes wide. "I've never seen anything so pretty in all my life."

"You've lived on Tatooine," Han commented. "Surely that place can't have much of a view."

"It's pretty, sometimes," Luke replied defensively, while wondering why he felt the need to defend a place he hated.

"Dat sure isa big'er field," Can Can said, pointing at the land that lay between them and the Crystal City. "Whaddya supposes dem flowery ding-heads are?"

Han squinted at the field, which was softly waving with knee-high bright red flower-heads. "Flowers? Oh, _those_ flowers. Those are called spice flowers." He grinned knowingly at Luke. "You ever heard of spice, kid?"

"Yes," Luke said suspiciously. "I've heard of it. I didn't know it came from flowers, though."

"Sure it does. First you cut those red flower heads off the stalks, and then you shake out the pollen, and what do you have?"

"Papperica?" Can Can yelled out enthusiastically, as he jumped up and down. "Mesa LOVES papperica!" He hurried down the slope to the field of flowers, waving his gangly arms.

"Wait!" Han called out, shaking his head in disgust as the Gungan ignored him. "Can Can's an idiot. You just can't start picking spice flowers willy-nilly."

Chewie roared his agreement, and started to turn around to leave. Luke stepped in the Wookiee's path, preventing him from fleeing.

"What happens if you pick spice flowers?" Luke questioned.

Han frowned as he considered the question. "You get happy, kid. Very, very happy."

"What's wrong with being happy?"

"Now that I think about it… nothing!" Han declared. "Come on, let's get happy!" Han rushed to follow the Gungan, and Chewie groaned in despair, then started after his partner.

Luke watched for a moment, then decided he wasn't left with much choice but to proceed, as the purple path wound its merry way through the happy field of spice flowers. By the time he caught up, they were all sitting in the flowers, picking them and throwing them in the air over their heads, laughing hysterically.

"What's so funny?" Luke asked suspiciously.

"Chewie just told the funniest joke," Han replied, taking a big sniff of a flower. "But I can't recall the punch line!"

That struck Can Can and Chewie as quite amusing, and they howled and brayed loudly.

"Listen," Luke tried to inject into the laughter. "It's getting dark, and we'd better get inside the city."

The group laughed at Luke's urging, then started rolling around on the ground before staggering up to their feet.

"Loosen up, kid," Han snorted out, wiping a tear of mirth away from his eyes. "Have some flower-power." He thrust a broken stalk toward the young man.

"FLOWERS POWERS!" Can Can shrieked. "Itsa rhymesee! Dats soooo funnier!"

Luke felt his lips twitch in amusement. "Can flowers have power?"

"Sure they can," Han giggled. "Especially these kind."

Luke let out a loud snort of laughter. "I love these flowers! I love the purple path! I love the Land of B'Ooz! I love ALL you guys! I especially love Mara, the Good Witch – " He slapped his hand over his mouth, eyes wide.

"That's a hoot, kid!" Han screamed. "Lukey loves Mara… Lukey loves Mara…."

"Mesa soooo happy dat Luker loves Can Can," the Gungan said with a happy grin. "Mesa loves Luker, too."

Chewie reached over and pulled Luke into a giant hug, nodding his agreement with Can Can.

"I don't love you, kid," Han said, the amusement leaving his expression. "I've got me a big DL-44 blaster and I ain't afraid to use it."

"Well, fine," Luke said with a sniff, then leaned over and held his side as he continued to make loud snorts in hilarity. "Han's got a big_… blaster_!"

Chewie and Can Can found this highly witty and ribald, and shouted in mirth. They would have all continued to laugh and holler at their inane comments until they died, but for one thing.

"Excuse me, sir," a prim voice said, tapping Luke on his shoulder. "Would you mind if Artoo and I go around your merry group? The purple path is quite narrow here."

Luke drew back in surprise. "Hey! It's you two! I've been looking for you."

"You have?" the golden droid asked. "Why would you seek us?"

"Cuz you've been hiding," Han shouted, grinning widely. "Hide and seek? Understand?"

As everyone laughed, the droid seemed puzzled. "I do not recall hiding, but we are late. The Wizard does not like late droids."

"The Wizard doesn't like DEAD droids?" Han said, slapping his thigh.

"Dead?"

"What's your name?" Luke questioned the golden droid.

"C-3PO, or Threepio for short," Threepio stated. "I am a human-cyborg relations droid."

"YOU HAVE RELATIONS WITH HUMANS?!" Han shrieked, gasping for breath.

"I am confused," Threepio responded. "But since this conversation is irrelevant, I must beg your pardon and continue on my way."

"Nosa beggar, pleasa!" Can Can said, spinning around in circles. "Beggars not be choosers."

Threepio seemed quite perplexed, and shuffled past the hysterical life-forms. "I will never understand non-mechanical beings, Artoo." The droids moved away, continuing to follow the purple path through the flower field.

"Wait!" Luke cried out, hurrying after the droids. "I have something I need to ask you, but I can't remember what it is!"

"Come on, Chewie," Han groused. "We'd better go after the kid, or he'll get lost again. Corellians can't get lost, you know."

Chewie and Can Can howled with even more laughter, although Han didn't seem amused at all by his comment.

After a short hike, they left the flower field behind them. Luke was standing still, frowning in confusion. "Where'd they go?"

"Who?" Han asked.

"The two droids. They were just ahead of me, and now they're gone again."

"You really have to get over this obsession with seeing droids, kid," Han remarked. "I'm getting concerned about your mental state."

"MY mental state?" Luke protested. "Don't tell me you can't remember them! You were talking to them. We were all sniffing flowers, and laughing our butts off."

"All we did was walk through the field, Luke," Han argued. "We didn't see any droids, and no one was laughing, either. I don't think those flowers live up to their reputation."

Luke swung his head to look at Chewie, who just shrugged.

Can Can twisted his torso and checked his backside. "Mesa nots remember droids, and mesa butts still heresa, too."

Glaring at the group, Luke pointed to the well-lit city that was now less than a mile away. Even though it was now almost completely dark, the purple path seemed to glow from within, giving them a clear trail to follow.

"It's time to see the Wizard of B'Ooz," Luke grumbled. "And he's got some explaining to do, too!"

"Yeah," Han agreed. "Like, for instance, how he let Pimpletime get away with banning booze. I can't wait to hear that explanation."

Luke was starting to wonder if he'd _ever _find his way home.


	7. Chapter 7

They arrived at the gateway to the Crystal City and found that the large, diamond studded doorway was locked tight. As a high wall surrounded the city, this appeared to be the only way in, so the group spent several long minutes pounding on the door with their fists until Can Can finally asked, "What yousa suppose this here bigger silver button dat says 'do notsa push under penalty' is?"

Han inspected the big, silver button. "Didn't Mara say to do the exact opposite of whatever…?"

"She said to do the exact opposite of whatever the Wizard told me. She didn't mention written instructions, though," Luke pointed out.

"But this is the Wizard's city, right?" Han asked. "And it doesn't say what kind of penalty, anyway."

"I guess so."

"So I say we push the button."

"I hope we don't end up back on the Game Board as players," Luke said sullenly.

"Oh, boysa!" Can Can cried out, pressing the button with glee as Chewie whined unhappily and hid behind Luke and Han. Immediately, a panel retracted and revealed three square buttons – blue, with the number 'one' written on it, red with the number 'two,' and yellow with the number 'three.' "Now whatsa dat?"

"Good question," Han replied.

Before they could decide what to do next, a disembodied female voice spoke out from the panel. "For Basic, please press one. For all other languages, please press two. For communicating telepathically, please press three."

"Wesa should pressa three an see whatsa happens," Can Can said.

Luke glared at Can Can and hurriedly pressed the blue button.

"Thank you for choosing Basic," the pretty voice said. "If you are here visiting relatives who will pretend to be glad to see you, please press one. If you are a resident returning from a vacation that wasn't nearly as much fun as it was costly, please press two. For all other reasons, please press three."

Sighing, Luke pressed the yellow button.

"Thank you for choosing three. If you are here as an evil agent for the Vile Vicar of the Vest, please press one. If you are here as an evil minion for the Evil Emperor of Eats, please press two. If you are here as an annoying, door-to-door sales-being, please press three."

Han and Luke exchanged puzzled looks, and Luke asked, "What if none of these choices apply?"

"Please make a selection," the perky voice prodded.

"What if I just blast this kriffin' door open?" Han threatened the voice.

"We can't do that," Luke hissed out. "Then they'll think we really are evil agents!"

"Thank you for your selection as 'evil agent for the Vile Vicar of the Vest,'" the voice continued on, unfazed by the lack of actually pushing a button. "If you are here to recruit additional evil agents, please press one. If you are here to attempt an assassination of the Wizard of B'Ooz, please press two. If you are here to audition as a potential husband for Leia, the Good Witch of Nots, as well as reserving the stunning Crystal Cathedral Wedding Chapel and attached fine dining banquet hall for the reception to follow, please press three."

Han quickly pressed the yellow button. "That's the way I can get my heart back! I've got to win that audition!"

"I've never heard of people auditioning to become husbands," Luke said. "I wonder what you'll have to do?"

"It doesn't matter," Han answered. "Whatever it is, I'll do it… even if it means following her all the way to the frozen tundra of Hoth and cutting open a dead tauntaun with that magic wand of hers."

Luke wrinkled up his nose. "Is that a possibility?"

"You never know, kid."

"Thank you for choosing number three," the sultry voice said. "All auditioning husband material is welcome inside the Crystal City." The door slowly swung open, allowing the weary travelers to enter. "Please go directly to the Platinum Palace," the voice added politely. "Auditions will begin in one standard hour precisely."

They hustled through the silver streets, trying to ignore the outright stares of the local residents. There were humans, gungans, wookiees, and almost ever variety of sentient being Luke had ever seen or heard of. And they all seemed to share the same trait of wearing the most outlandish hats possible. Tall hats, feathery hats, hats with flowers, and hats with wide brims…everyone wore a hat. After a few moments, Luke decided the reason they were being stared at was due to the fact no one in his group was wearing a hat.

Finally they stood before the Platinum Palace, and were escorted inside by two very tall, spidery-looking gray beings with huge eyes and long necks. Both guards also wore pointed purple and gold striped caps with a noisy bell dangling from the tip. Eventually, the group ended up inside a large room with a round table in the center surrounded by twenty chairs. In the center of the large table sat an empty silver throne. There was nothing else in the room.

"Wait here for the Agile and Acrimonious Wizard of B'Ooz," the one guard ground out hoarsely. "He will assess your qualifications for the tryouts as Husband for Leia, the Good Witch of Nots." The being eyed Chewie and Can Can. "Non-Humans are not qualified to participate, unless they offer Obi-Wan, the Acrimonious Wizard, a large enough financial incentive to allow him to overlook things like fur and flippers."

"Hey," Han said, annoyed. "Is this Wizard dude just trying to get rich by finding Leia a guy to marry? She's gonna marry for love, not money!"

"I'm not here to tryout as Leia's husband," Luke added. "I was told Obi-Wan the Wizard would show me how to defeat Pimpletime."

The tall guards pushed Han and Luke toward the chairs, and indicated they should sit, while Chewie and Can Can stood nervously behind the two men. Then the guards turned and walked away without further comment. Soon, other men were escorted in the room, and took seats as well.

One of the last to enter was a tall, dark-skinned man wearing a flashy gold brimmed hat.

"Lando, the Suave and Conniving Gambler!" Han growled out threateningly as Chewie scooted under the table and disappeared. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Same as you, Solo," the gambler replied smoothly. "Winning the heart of the beautiful Good Witch."

Han drew out his blaster. "Over my dead body!"

"Play by the rules, Solo," Lando chided as he sat down. "I know I always do."

"Sure you do," Han groused. "That's why you gave poor Chewie an exploding lifeday present."

When all twenty chairs were full, the sound of loud horns and beating drums filled the room. A tall door on the far wall swung open, and a roll of red carpet uncoiled from the entryway. Then a brown-robed older man walked regally down the red carpet toward the table. He was wearing a wide brimmed hat with colorful tassels that hung down off the edge of the brim.

As he approached, Luke felt his eyes widen as he recognized the face beneath the hat. "Old Ben?!?"

"Old? Who are you calling old? My name is Obi-Wan, the Wizard of B'Ooz," the man said with disdain. "Show respect for your superiors." He looked around at the gathered group, then, to everyone's surprise, floated off the floor and came to stand upon the table. "We are gathered here to earn the hand of the lovely Leia, Good Witch of Nots."

"But… not me!" Luke protested loudly. "I don't want to marry Leia. I don't even know her!"

"Shut up, son," Obi-Wan snapped out sternly. "If you're sitting here, you're in the game."

"What game?"

"Sabacc, of course," Obi-Wan answered as he pulled out a deck of cards from his robe. "I'll be the dealer, and general over-seer. Anyone caught cheating will be dealt with very sternly."

"We're playing a card game to decide who gets to marry Leia?" Han roared out.

"Yes. Do you have a problem with that?"

"Not at all," Han replied with a grin. Then he glared at Lando. "Just keep the skiffers outta this game."


	8. Chapter 8

Luke looked around the table. "Isn't twenty people a lot for a game of sabacc?"

"Are you an expert on the subject?" Lando asked snidely.

"No, but I've played a few times with my buddies," Luke replied. "I didn't think there were enough cards in a stack for that many players."

"You're right," Obi-Wan decided, standing up from this throne. "Therefore, we shall have an elimination round. Everyone please stand up."

The twenty men obeyed, eyeing each other warily. Obi-Wan waved around the table, and every other chair skidded backwards across the room, crashing against the outside walls, while the remaining ten chairs only pushed backwards about two feet. Luke was completely impressed by such a feat.

"Now," Obi-Wan said authoritatively, "you shall all march around the table while the music plays. When it stops, everyone tries to grab a chair and sit. If you get a chair, then you can play sabacc for the Good Witch's hand. If not, well…" Obi-Wan made a slitting motion under his throat.

"What music?" Han wanted to know. No sooner had the words left his mouth than jizz music wafted from the ceiling. Everyone started walking around the table, glaring at their opponents. After long minutes, the music stopped – and complete chaos reigned. Men pushed and threw punches, chairs were used as weapons, and blaster fire sizzled. The sound of a frightened Wookiee could be heard howling from under the table, and Can Can huddled on the floor, covering his ears.

When the dust settled, Han, Lando and eight other men were seated in chairs, while Luke stood along with the nine remaining men, most of which had bloody noses and various other injuries.

"This won't do," Obi-Wan said, shaking his head at Luke. "You should be in the game, my boy."

"That's okay," Luke tried to reassure the Wizard, remembering the words Mara the Good Witch told him about doing the opposite of whatever the Wizard said to do. "I don't really want to play."

"I insist!" Suddenly, the man seated in front of Luke flew up and out of his chair, and sailed across the room, sliding down the wall into a heap. "That's better," Obi-Wan stated. "Now, sit down in your rightful place, young man."

"Err… okay." Luke quickly took the seat. The other men hustled out of the room, complaining loudly about being cheated.

"That's better," Obi-Wan said, sitting back down on his throne. "Now, let the game begin!"

Hours of sabacc later, only three men remained at the table - Lando, Han and Luke. Luke wasn't at all sure how he was still in the game, since most of his hands had started out badly. Then, right before displaying his cards, they would mysteriously shift into a winning hand every single time. When he happened to glance up at Obi-Wan, the old man just smiled and winked.

Lando mopped the sweat off his brow. "This is my best hand yet," he mumbled under his breath. Surely the kid couldn't top him this time. As he started to lay his hand down, the cards shifted yet again, and Lando went from a perfect score of twenty-three to down to a negative five! NEGATIVE FIVE! Han's cards showed a positive twenty-one, and Luke, once again, had the perfect twenty-three.

The Suave and Conniving Gambler lost his cool. He jumped up, pointing at Luke. "He's cheating!"

"I am not," Luke said indignantly.

"Then HOW can you get a PERFECT score every, single time?" Lando yelled back. "It's not possible, I tell you!"

"Apparently, it is," Obi-Wan stated coolly. "Please escort The Suave and Conniving Gambler from the room. He's lost the game."

"NOT FAIR!" Lando screeched as the tall guards hustled him away, leaving only Han and Luke staring at each other.

"Listen," Luke tried again. "Han's in love with Leia, the Good Witch of Nots. So I'd like to concede the game to him."

"Can't do that," Obi-Wan declared. "It's against the rules."

"But I don't want to win the game," Luke said, trying not to whine. "I'm tired of playing sabacc."

"Fine," Obi-Wan said, annoyed. "Then you can play 'Go Fish' for the last hand."

"Go Fish?" Can Can piped up. "Dat sounds like tasty fun! Mesa wanna play, too!"

A small, iridescent bubble appeared in the corner of the room, and as it floated closer, Luke could see it was growing larger in size. He pointed at the object. "What's that?"

"Pimple's GHOSTSPIES!" Han responded as he drew his blaster and fired a shot at the hovering orb.

The pretty orb exploded several feet off the floor, and a loud thud sounded as a dark-haired girl appeared and crashed the remaining distance to the surface. She ended up sitting on her backside, glaring up ferociously at the smuggler. "You burst my bubble!"

"Uh, oh. It was THAT bubble," Han mumbled. "I always seem to shoot first, and think last."

The young woman scrambled to her feet, wiping the dust from her white gown. "You do NOT ever think! You do NOT have a brain!"

Han looked knowingly at Luke. "It's her favorite word."

Luke nodded, and Can Can stepped forward. "Howdies Leia, da Good Witchy of Nots. Mesa the one dat nots have a brain."

"If you're hanging around with Solo, that's a given," Leia sniffed.

"Aren't you glad to see me alive and well?" Han said, giving Leia his best lop-sided grin. "After your Vile father had me frozen and tossed away?"

"My father is only looking out for my best interests."

"You've _got_ to have feelings for me, sweetheart! How can I ever find my heart if you won't return my love?" Han pleaded.

Leia pointed to Luke. "I think he's cute. And he's my age, too."

"It's not fair!" Han yelled, turning and pointing his blaster at Luke. "You stole my soul-mate!"

"No, I haven't," Luke yelled back, pushing the business end of Han's blaster away from his chest. "It's not my fault I'm cute _and_ The Glorious and Humble Son of the Chosen One!"

"YOU'RE The Glorious and Humble Son of the Chosen One?" Obi-Wan asked in surprise. "Why didn't you say so?"

"I've been trying," Luke said, exasperated. "You kept ignoring me and insisting I play sabacc!"

Obi-Wan jumped off the table, and pulled out a silver tube. "Here is your magic wand. You must use it to destroy Pimpletime. It is your destiny."

Luke took the tube and inspected it closely, holding it up to one eye like a telescope. "How do you use this thing?"

"I would NOT suggest pointing the wand at your head," Leia said in disgust. "Unless you'd like an extra hole for ventilation purposes."

"Press the blue button, and wave it around," Obi-Wan told Luke, unconcerned about the business-end of the tube pointing at the boy's eye-socket. "Since you're the Glorious and Humble Son of the Chosen One, using it will come naturally."

"What about the droids?" Luke questioned the Wizard. "I've been looking for them all day, and in the flower field they said they were coming to see you."

"Droids?" Obi-Wan replied with a frown. "I don't recall owning droids."

"Artoo? C-3PO?"

"Force bless you," Obi-Wan said, trying to hand Luke a tissue.

"No, I'm not sneezing - "

"Leia, the Good Witch, will guide you to Emperor Pimpletime's lair. There, you can fulfill your destiny," Obi-Wan instructed the young man.

"Why do I have to guide these losers?" Leia complained. "I do NOT wish to do that!"

"Perhaps Solo will be able to use the time to prove his worth to you and your Vile father," Obi-Wan mused. "And if he fails, Vader can always have him refrozen." Obi-Wan pointed toward the doorway. "Hurry along, children. Time waits for no man. Head toward the ocean and don't step on the cracks."

"Huh?" Luke asked, confused.

But Obi-Wan the Wizard was done helping for the day, and he left the room without another word of advice.

"Come on, then," Leia groused. "I will NOT dawdle just because you're slow."


	9. Chapter 9

"Maybe we should wait until morning," Luke suggested. "I could use some sleep."

"Sleep is a waste of time," Leia replied.

"But it's dark outside," Luke argued.

Leia narrowed her eyes and tilted her head toward Han. "Does he always complain this much?"

"Yup," Han answered. "The kid doesn't have a bit of stamina. But me? I've got more stamina than I know what to do with." He leered at Leia. "I have some ideas, though, what I'd _like_ to do with it."

"You would NOT like my ideas," Leia warned the smuggler.

When they exited the city, Luke was quite surprised to see the green-colored sun was already coming up. "I didn't know we played sabacc for that many time-parts."

"Nights are short in B'Ooz," Han grumbled. "Way too short, if ya ask me."

Luke was still inspecting the silver tube that Obi-Wan had given him. "How does this thing work, anyway? I sure would like to practice before I meet up with the Emperor."

"Press the blue button," Leia said. "Were you NOT listening?"

"Yes, I was," Luke said petulantly. He pressed the blue button, and fortunately was pointing the business end away from the group as he did. The blue blade shot out, humming quite loudly. "Wow." He just started to reach his index finger toward the blade when Leia slapped his hand down.

"Are you crazy? You do NOT touch the blade!" she yelled at him. "Unless you'd like the tag 'The Blond-Headed and Stumpy Son of the Chosen One.'"

Luke quickly shut off the weapon. "No, I wouldn't like that."

"I did NOT think so."

"Wesa should heads toward the ocean," Can Can said, pointing off toward the rising sun. "Or maybe it besa dat ways." He spun around and pointed a different direction. "Justa no stepping on does crackers."

"We can't go toward the ocean," Luke told the Gungan. "We were told to do the opposite of whatever Obi-Wan told us to do."

"Oh, yesa," Can Can said. "Mesa remember now."

"And whom, may I ask, gave you that stupid advice?" Leia asked sarcastically.

"Ma – " Luke started to say, when Han gave his shoulder a hard shove.

"Ma?" Leia questioned intently.

"His mama," Han inserted quickly. "Luke always takes her advice. He's a real mama's boy. Aren't you, kid?"

"I am not!" Luke said, feeling his face flush with embarrassment. "Besides, I don't even know who my mother is…or was. Or my father, either."

"That's very sad," Leia said, embracing Luke. "It must be awful NOT knowing something that important."

"I never knew my folks, either," Han said, sniffing and pretending to wipe a tear away from his eye. He held out his arms for a hug.

"Too bad," Leia said dismissively. "I do NOT care, NOT one little bit."

"Oh," Han said, crestfallen. Chewie patted his head in consolation, and Han swatted the massive paw away in annoyance. He obviously wanted comfort from Leia, and not the Wookiee.

"Let's head toward the mountains," Leia stated. "Perhaps Luke's mother is correct, after all."

"I didn't say my mother told us to go toward the mountains…" Luke objected. It was too late. The gang headed off toward the tall, ominous gray mountains in the distance, with Leia leading the way.

* * *

"Howdy-Ho, Hiddy-Low," Can Can sang off-key, "Itsa off'n to dem der mountains we goes!"

"Will you be quiet?" Han hissed. "Pimple's minions will be sure to hear you."

"Mesa like diced minons, 'specially on des nerf-burgers."

"How much longer until we get to this mountain lair?" Luke wanted to know, waving his rather noisy magic wand through the air. "Do you have a magic wand too, Leia?" He looked at Han. "Didn't you tell me she has a magic wand? I think that's what Mara was holding, now that I think about it."

"WHAT!?"! Leia shrieked out, pulling out her wand from her belt, and taking up a defensive stance. "Where is that nasty shrew-thistle?"

Han groaned, and slapped his forehead. "Are you really that dense, kid?"

"What did I do now?" Luke asked defensively.

"You had to go mention her name," Han said, exasperated. "Leia and Mara, the Good Witch of the Mouth, don't exactly get along."

"Why?"

"Because!" Leia shouted. "She stole - "

"Stole? What did she steal?" Luke questioned.

"Something important," she spat out quickly. "It's none of your business _what_, either."

"It's hard to feel sorry for you when we don't know the details," Han grumbled.

"Fine," Leia hissed, her face flushing. "It was my … my…"

"Your?"

"MY MIRACLE BRA, OKAY?" Leia yelled. "There. Are you happy now?"

"She stole a bra?" Han asked, confused. "Is that your only complaint?"

"It was NOT just 'a' bra," Leia ground out. "It was a _Miracle Bra_. Not only are they outrageously expensive, but they, um, you know."

"Nope," Han said, shaking his head negatively. "Haven't got a clue." He waggled his eyebrows. "Come on. Tell us."

"Lift and separate," Leia explained in a whisper. "It makes a girl look fuller. Like _she_ needs it."

"Lifty and separates?" Can Can asked, scratching his head. "Whats does it lifty and separates?"

Han burst out laughing, and Leia buried her face in her hands in mortification.

Luke glared at Han. "Quit teasing her." He turned back to Leia and said, "Mara isn't here, so you can calm down."

"You spoke her name," Leia stated, looking around suspiciously. "She'll be here. That shrew's got big ears."

"I thought she had cute ears."

"CUTE?! Are you crazy?"

"Luke's crazy in love," Han said, grinning madly. "The kid's got it bad for Mara the Mouth."

"I'm not in love with her," Luke protested, noting with concern that Leia's face was getting bright red and her eyes looked ready to pop out. "I just sorta like her."

"That's NOT possible," Leia stated firmly. "Mara is the most unlikable, loud-mouthed, annoying - "

"Han said she's related to you."

Leia put her hands on her hips, her face frosty. "She is NOT!"

"Third cousin, twice removed, was what Han said," Luke insisted.

"Kid, you're gonna get me killed," Han moaned. "Is that your goal?"

"And you should talk about being unlikable," Luke continued, unfazed. "You with your yelling the word 'NOT' constantly. Talk about loud and annoying."

Leia's mouth opened and closed several times, her eyes wide with disbelief. "I… I should just leave you here to face Pimpletime alone! Maybe the Flying Jawas will catch you and take you to the Emperor, who will boil you alive and eat you. I hope they do! I hate you!"

Chewie gave a whine of despair at that threat.

"Han said love and hate are two sides of the same coin."

"KID!" Han yelled in outrage. "I'm warning you. Quit throwing my words back in my face."

"That's it!" Leia declared, pointing her wand at Luke and turning it on. "Get ready to face your doom, Luke, The Glorious and Humble Son of the Chosen One."

Luke looked down at the weapon in his own hand. "I've already told you that I don't know how to use this thing."

"You'd better learn fast!"

A voice spoke from above their heads, "You leave that poor Glorious and Humble Son of the Chosen One alone, cousin Leia."

They craned their necks and looked up to a 'v' in a tree, high above. "Mara!" Luke said, sounding quite pleased. "It's nice to see you again."

Mara jumped out of the tree, doing several backflips on the way to the ground, before landing lightly on her feet. She turned on her own wand. "I'll defend you, Luke."

"Why?" Luke questioned, puzzled. "You barely know me."

Mara smiled without humor. "But I _do_ know my cousin. Anyone she hates, I like just fine."

The two Good Witches then attacked each other with a vengeance, while the worried travelers backed away from the battle for their own safety.


	10. Chapter 10

"Oh, dears," Can Can muttered. "Dis looks like it could hurts."

"Ladies!" Luke called over Chewie's howling. "Please stop fighting. I'm sure we can work this out."

"Tell her to give me back my Miracle Bra!" Leia yelled at Luke.

"Okay," Luke said, trying to be a peacemaker. "Mara, please give Leia her bra."

"Right now would be preferable," Han added hopefully.

"I never stole your bra," Mara hissed at Leia. "Why would I want it? I could never squeeze myself into it."

"If you didn't take it, then who did?"

"Your father!"

Han's eyebrows shot up. "The Vile Vicar of the Vest needs a Miracle Bra?" He grasped his head dramatically. "Oh, the image! The horrible, horrible image that's burned itself into my brain!"

"At leasty yousa gotter a brain to burn," Can Can said unhappily.

"My father did NOT steal my bra," Leia said hotly. "He's got those really cool vests, so why would he need it?"

"Vader didn't _need_ it," Mara answered in disgust. "He wanted to keep _you_ from wearing it, so guys wouldn't notice you." She indicated Han with a nod of her head. "Why do you think Solo ended up as the Carbonite Man?"

Leia backed away, and turned off her wand. "Could that be true?"

"It's true that Vader had me frozen to keep me away from you, sweetheart," Han said gently. "It's just a good thing I'm so incredibly lucky, as well as handsome and sexy."

Chewie let out a loud bark, and pointed up. Everyone turned their eyes to the sky.

"Dat must be lotsa more of dem meatier-righty-tidies," Can Can commented.

"Oh, no!" Leia gasped. "It's Pimpletime's Flying Jawas!"

"And they bite hard, too!" Mara added. "I'm outta here." She quickly unfolded her umbrella.

"Wait!" Luke protested. "Between our three magic wands and Han's blaster, we can hold them off."

"That's what you think," Mara replied as she floated up. "This isn't my fight, Farmboy. Good luck with the Jawas and Pimpletime. Send me a Holiday Card if you survive."

"I think this might be a good time for us to part company, as well," Leia declared, waving her hand. The iridescent bubble reformed around her, and lifted her off the ground. "Goodbye! May the Force be with you!"

"You're leaving, too?" Han asked, incredulously. "But I still don't have my heart!"

"You have to _earn_ it," Leia called down from her bubble. "I'll be watching, nerfherder." Then her bubble disappeared.

"Nerfherder? What the kriff did she mean by that?" Han grumbled.

"I don't know," Luke said. "But those biting Jawas are getting closer." He pulled out his wand and turned it on.

"Quit whimpering, Chewie," Han barked out, trying to take aim while the Wookiee clung to his arm. "You're embarrassing me."

"Mesa not blame Chewier," Can Can cried out in fear as he ran around in circles, flapping his gangly arms. "Mesa scaredy, too!"

The Jawas were now so close, everyone could see their glowing red eyes, as well as their long, curved claws. Chewie could take no more, and ran howling away to hide behind the nearest tree. Han started firing his blaster, while Luke clumsily waved his humming wand over his head. The Flying Jawas were amazingly nimble, easily avoiding the business end of Luke's weapon. Han managed to take out several of the evil creatures before he was overwhelmed by sheer numbers. The Jawas snatched the blaster and the wand from the humans' grips, tossing them aside, while snarling and snapping their wicked fangs.

Four Jawas reached down and snatched up Luke by his arms. "Ouch!' Luke yelled out as the claws dug painfully into his biceps.

Another quartet of Jawas snatched up Han, ignoring his cries of pain. Then two more grabbed Can Can by his long ears, pulling him into the air.

"Mesa too youngs to die," the Gungan screamed out as he thrashed about. "Mesa scaredy of high upper heights! AHHHHHHH!!!"

Soon, the cries faded away. Chewie slowly peered out from his hiding place. He felt a wave of guilt and shame over the fact he had run away while his friends were kidnapped. He had once been brave. He had been Chewbacca, the Boldly Brave and Ferociously Fearless. Han and Luke were in desperate need of his help. Determinedly, he marched toward the towering mountain, his heart hammering in his chest. He WOULD be brave! He WOULD be fearless!

"Oh, howdy Chewier!" a timid voice called from above his head. "Mesa seems to be stucker up here."

The Wookiee looked up, frowning in confusion.

"Mesa donna understand it, eithers," Can Can yelled down. "Dem nasty Jawas drops mesa liker rotten tubersack, right in dis here tree."

Chewie sighed, and unsheathed his large claws as he climbed up the tree to the trembling Gungan. "Arroouh." The Wookiee pointed at his back.

"Ahs!" Can Can said, nodding in understanding. He grabbed hold of Chewie's fur, and held on for dear life as the Wookiee climbed back down and deposited Can Can safely on the surface. "Dats bedder."

Chewie grunted and pointed at the mountain as he retrieved Han's blaster and Luke's magic wand.

"Mesa tinks I'sa understand," Can Can declared. "Chewier wanna rescue Lukerwalk and Hanso."

Chewie nodded eagerly as he caught the word 'rescue', thrusting the wand at the Gungan. Chewie would use his friend's blaster when the time came to fight, and leave figuring out the magic wand to Can Can Jinx, the Exceedingly Cerebral and Highly Graceful Gungan.

"Okay, den," Can Can said, grinning as he held up the silver tube that contained the magic blue wand. "Mesa help yousa. Mesa use da have smarts, yousa know. Mesa will tink very hard and comer up wit a plan!" He waved the turned-off tube around, and was quite startled when it slipped from his gangly fingers and thudded to the ground. "Oopsie." He quickly retrieved his new toy.

Chewie gave a happy woof and trotted off, waving for Can Can to follow. He was eager to rescue his friends, and he was confident that whatever plan Can Can devised would work just fine, provided he understood what the plan actually was.

* * *

Han and Luke were roughly dumped inside a cold stone cell, deep inside the cavernous mountain lair of Pimpletime, the Evil Emperor of Eats. The Jawas glared at the humans before slamming the heavy durasteel door shut with a loud bang.

"Great," Han grumbled, rubbing his sore shoulder. "Now we're prisoners. You've heard what happens to Pimples' prisoners, right?"

"No," Luke said unhappily, tugging fruitlessly at the door. It refused to budge. "What happens?"

"He eats them."

Luke turned around and looked disbelieving at the Corellian. "No way!"

"Yup, he eats them," Han reiterated firmly. "First we'll be soaked in a big vat of booze, and once it's been determined we've marinated long enough, they'll turn on the heat and cook us alive." Han leaned toward Luke and whispered rather loudly, "That's why there's no booze in B'Ooz. Pimples uses it all up for himself."

"I can't believe Mara and Leia just abandoned us like that," Luke said sadly. "I thought they liked us."

"They do. Just not enough to join us in the hot booze bath." Han sighed. "If I have to go, I sure would've liked to have one last big boil with Leia, though."

"I'd like to have a first boil before I check out," Luke muttered.

Han raised his eyebrows. "You've never boiled before? Ever?"

"Nope. Not even one time."

"I'm sorry, kid."

"Me, too."

"But if it helps," Han added, patting Luke on his back, "we can drink a lot of the booze we're soaking in before the heat comes on. We'll hardly feel any pain after that."

"I'm looking forward to it," Luke said sarcastically.


	11. Chapter 11

Chewie and Can Can trudged along somewhat reluctantly toward the gray mountain range. "Howdy yous supposer wesa get insider der den?" Can Can questioned the Wookiee.

Chewie gave a growl of confusion and shrugged, uncertain what exactly the Gungan was saying. It was hard enough to understand regular Basic, much less Can Can's mutilated version.

"Dem mountain lair?" Can Can tried again. "Pimply home?"

Chewie leaned forward and gave a huge roar at the Gungan, showing his fangs in frustration. Can Can jumped back, eyes wide. "Yousa could use a breather minty."

The Wookiee reached out, grabbing Can Can around the neck and shook none too gently.

"Ouchers! Let mesa goes!"

"Let the Gungan live, Chewie," a cool, refined voice said from slightly off to the right side of the path.

Chewie dropped the Gungan, and turned in surprise to see Mara, the Good Witch of the Mouth leaning against a tree trunk. He gave a short, questioning bark.

"Yes, I understand you, and I can even understand Can Can," Mara stated, inspecting her fingernail. "I'll come along and act as your interpreter."

"Yousa helper me an' Chewier?" Can Can asked eagerly, rubbing his sore neck and taking a step away from the scary Wookiee.

"Yes, I will. That farmboy has sort of grown on me for some reason," Mara said. "Besides, once a year I have to do a good deed, or I lose my title as 'Good Witch.' I suppose rescuing a naïve farmboy will qualify as a good deed."

"Oh, goody," Can Can said, clapping his long, webbed fingers together. "Mesa can't wait to get inside dat lair." He tapped his forehead. "Mesa tinks dats where Can Can's smarts are hidden."

"Wouldn't surprise me a bit," Mara said before heading down the path.

* * *

The Gamorrean stormtroopers came marching inside the cell to retrieve their prisoners. Luke could see that, up close, the Gamorrean stormtroopers looked even odder. The white armor was obviously made for humans, and the sections sat loosely on their upper arms and the front part of their thighs, tied on with strings. The pieces slapped up and down as the guards walked, and would not have given them any protection from an attack. The helmets were extra large, to accommodate their large craniums.

But, despite their clownish appearance, the stormtroopers took their jobs seriously. They roughly grabbed Luke and Han, and bound their wrists while threatening them with long, wicked looking poles with sharp ends. They were quickly escorted to a long, narrow room. A large banquet table sat in the middle of the room, and at the far end of this table was a throne. A hooded figure sat hunched over, and Luke could see he was busy shoveling food into his mouth.

"That's Pimpletime, The Evil Emperor of Eats " Han whispered out of the side of his mouth.

"I sort of guessed," Luke commented.

The man stopped eating, glaring up at his prisoners with sickly, yellow eyes and the worst complexion Luke had ever seen. The sagging flesh on Pimpletime's face was covered with oozing purple, pus-filled sores, and Luke felt his stomach turn at the awful sight. "Ah," the Emperor mumbled approvingly as food particles dropped from his lips. "Fresh meat."

"I'd say he's got serious liver problems," Luke said.

"Yeah," Han agreed. "That's what happens when you get greedy and steal all the booze in B'Ooz."

"PUT THE PRISONERS IN THE POTS!" Pimpletime ordered loudly, pointing to two large dura-iron kettles on either side of his throne.

* * *

Mara, the Good Witch of the Mouth, and Chewbacca, the formerly fearless Wookiee stood gazing up at the foreboding fortress. "Now, how should we get inside?" Mara mused aloud.

Ignoring the problem at hand, Can Can was busily digging through some garbage cans, throwing cast-away objects helter-skelter. "Mesa liker to dumpster dive. It's funners!" He held up a broken plasteel garden goblin pushing a plasteel wheelbarrow full of faded and chipped plasteel flowers. "Now I asker yous, who inner rights mind toss out dis wunnerful little guy?"

The Wookiee let out a disgusted growl, and grabbed the goblin from Can Can, tossing it aside, much to Can Can's dismay. "I think the Wookiee wants you to help us come up with a plan," Mara interpreted.

"Ah!" Can Can cried out, poking his head back into the bucket. "Here's some ting wesa can use!" He pulled out a piece of a moldy stormtrooper uniform. "Wesa put on dis, and march rights into de palace."

"Can Can!" Mara shouted in disbelief.

"Ok den, I tink of some udder plan. "

"NO!" Mara yelled. "You're brilliant, Can Can! That's _exactly_ how we'll get inside."

Can Can puffed out his chest, grinning. "Mesa brilliant. Mesa always known dat, for sure."

* * *

Moments later, both prisoners were stripped down to their shorts, trussed up and tossed inside the pots. Gallons of booze were poured into the pots until both men were up to their necks in the strong smelling liquid. Han took several large gulps of the booze. "Quick! Drink it up, kid! That way we can't be marinated!"

"Are you crazy?" Luke questioned the Corellian. "We can't possibly drink all this alcohol!"

"You're not even trying," Han argued.

"We'd die of alcohol poisoning if we drank all this booze."

"We're gonna die anyway," Han pointed out. "You die your way, and I'll die mine." He took another swig, sighing in happiness.

The Gamorreans flipped a switch, and Luke leaned his chin over the side to inspect what was happening. "They turned on the heat, Han! We're going to cook!"

"This is all your fault," Han complained, glaring at Luke.

"MY fault? How?"

"If it wasn't for you, I'd still be safe and sound - frozen in carbonite."

"I wish I'd left you there," Luke shot back hotly. "You said Pimples would marinate us for awhile before cooking us. We haven't had time to marinate."

"How do you know how long it takes to properly marinate?" Han asked. "Are you a Food HoloNet chef or something?"

"No, but I watch it a lot."

"Why am I not surprised," Han muttered.

"At least I don't just randomly make things up, and pretend I know what I'm talking about," Luke returned loudly. "You're just full of space vape."

"Some friend you are," Han said, annoyed. "If _you_ hadn't said Mara's name, I'd still have a chance with Leia."

"I wish you HAD ended up with Leia," Luke yelled over to Han. "You two deserve each other!"

"Just like you deserve the Mouth!"

"Mara's better than Leia!"

"What do you know?" Han shouted back. "You've never boiled! You said so yourself!"

"Yes!" Pimpletime cried out, bouncing up and down in his throne. Both men turned their attention to the Emperor as he pointed his crooked finger at Luke. "I will soon eat you, boy! Just like your father before you!" He rubbed his hands, drooling. "Ate his crispy fried legs… ate his tender arms…. The Chosen One was very yummy. Now I will eat his son when he is fork-tender."

"You boiled and ATE my father!?" Luke asked, shocked.

Pimpletime shook his head. "Anakin was barbecued, not boiled. All diets require variety." He reached over and grabbed handfuls of spongy gray food from the table and stuffed it in his fang-toothed mouth. "Where's my food?" he demanded while pounding his fist on the table. "Bring me more food!"

Luke couldn't quite understand what the Emperor was talking about, since the table was overflowing with food of all types. But a moment later, a scantily clad young woman in a brown metal bikini hustled into the room carrying another platter of food.

Han's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "LEIA? Is that you?"

The young woman's face flushed as she handed the food tray to Pimpletime. "This is all Mara's fault. I was so distracted by our fight I didn't notice those Flying Jawas until they popped my bubble with their long claws. I have my suspicions that she's in cahoots with Pimples."

"It doesn't look like you need any Miracle Bra, if ya ask me," Han said with a wink.

"Han!" Leia gave a wide smile as she hurried over to his pot. "That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me."

"You just give me half a chance, and I'll say sweet things to you every day."

"Oh, Han," Leia gasped, leaning over and giving Han a lingering kiss. "I love you."

"I have my heart back," Han crowed out. "Even if it is going to be served up hot and steaming on a silver platter in a few hours!"

"I think I'm going to puke," Luke said, sweat dripping into his eyes from the heat caused by the fire under the pot.

"Have no fear of nauseating love scenes, my young stewed pot-roast," Pimpletime cackled. "Soon, Leia, the Good Witch of Nots, will be carving the savory slices of tender meat from Solo's thigh bones, and feeding the pieces to me with her ruby-red lips."

"That's really a disgusting image," Han complained.

"Can we please come up with a plan to escape?" Luke asked. "My booze is starting to simmer."

Suddenly, the far door burst open, and several Gamorreans hustled into the room, making very loud squealing and grunting noises.

Pimpletime frowned as he listened to his guards. "The perimeter has been breached? Well, go fix it! Why are you bothering me about it? Can't you see I'm busy making dinner? An Emperor has to keep up his strength, you know."

Luke couldn't take any more of the heat. He jumped up, and although he was still tied up, he clumsily pitched headfirst out of the pot, landing on his side and splashing copious amounts of booze out in the process. The fire ignited the alcohol that had splashed out, and roared upward, reaching the inside of the pot and coming perilously close to Luke in the process. Leia saw her opportunity, and using her special Good Witch magic, tipped the burning pot toward Pimpletime and shielded the fire from Luke and Han. A loud explosion followed.


	12. Chapter 12

"I'm melting!" Pimpletime screamed, running around the table and waving his flaring robes in the air. Of course, this only encouraged the fire to burn faster. "I'm melting! Put me out, you fools!" Instead of helping, the Gamorrean guards squealed in terror of the flames, and rushed away, making no attempt to aid their Emperor.

Leia hustled Han out of his pot, and hurriedly untied both men. "We need to get out of this room before we all burn up!"

"AHHH!" Pimpletime screamed. "HELP ME!" From the ceiling, the Flying Jawas swooped down and started batting their Emperor with their wings as they put out the burning robe. "OWW! Stop hitting me, you idiots!" He pointed at Luke and Han. "Catch the prisoners! Put them back in the pots!"

Han and Luke snatched up their clothes, and still dripping with booze, hurriedly followed Leia out of the dining hall and followed her into the kitchen. Leia quickly locked the door behind them to prevent the Jawas from following while the dim-witted Jawas knocked on the door, trying to convince the escapees to let them enter. A startled Luke skidded to an abrupt stop when he saw a familiar pair. "C-3PO? Artoo? What are you doing here?"

The golden droid dropped the stack of dirty plates he was holding. The plates crashed down onto the floor, breaking into hundreds of pieces. "You again? Are you stalking me? I've never had a stalker before, and I find it quite annoying. Or perhaps flattering." He peered down at Artoo. "Which do you think it is?" Artoo gave a long beep. "No, he is not following _you_. He is following _me_. Why does everything have to center around you? There are other beings in the universe besides you, you know."

"I'm not stalking you," Luke said. "My name is Luke, and I just wanted to ask you a question."

"And that question would be?"

"How do I get home?"

Threepio tilted his head in confusion. "I have no idea where you live, so it would logically follow that I have no idea how you should return to your place of origin."

"Tatooine," Luke yelled in frustration. "I live on Tatooine!" When neither droid responded, Luke asked, "How did you end up here? I thought you were on your way to see the Wizard of B'Ooz."

"We were," Threepio replied sadly. "And we almost made it, too. Until those nasty Flying Jawas snatched us up, right before we reached the safety of the Crystal City."

"Why would Pimples want a couple of annoying droids?" Han questioned. "It's not like he can eat metal. I don't think he can, anyway."

"I am not certain, sir," Threepio replied. "There was a bit of confusion when they dropped us off in front of Pimpletime's throne, and the Emperor yelled at the Jawas that they were too stupid to know the difference between a droid and the Son of the Chosen One."

"What's all this noise?" a loud, nasally sounding voice shouted from behind a counter. A tall regally appearing man wearing an apron and a tall chef's hat walked over to the group, and pointed at Luke and Han. "Aren't you two the main course this evening? What are you doing in my kitchen? You should be boiling quite nicely by now, and by rudely leaving your pots before you've properly cooked, you are slowing everything down. My galaxy famous mousse-soufflé can't wait, you know."

"PRINCE ISOLDER? The Gorgeous Rich Royal with Manly Flowing Locks? " Leia screeched in disbelief. "You left me for a job as cook for the Evil Emperor of Eats?"

The chef turned his attention to the Good Witch, clutching his chest. "Oh, bless my good looks. Does your father know you're here?"

"No."

"I didn't leave you," Isolder the former Prince turned Chef informed Leia. "Vader had me kidnapped and sent me to Pimpletime after we announced our engagement. I thought for certain I'd end up being eaten, but instead, I ended up with a fate _worse_ than death." He removed his hat and patted the top of his head in dismay. "Hairnets. Flowing golden locks as gorgeous and perfect as mine should never be confined inside a hairnet. It's unnatural."

"Wait a kriffin' second," Han inserted, frowning at Leia. "You were engaged to this pretty boy?"

"Well," Leia shifted from one foot to the other as she stared at the floor. "I was young and easily impressed with a handsome face and old money." She patted Han's wrist nervously. "I've moved beyond that sort of petty behavior, though. _Now_ I love you."

"Have you lost your mind?" Isolder shouted, pointing at Han. "He's nothing more than a worthless space bum!"

"The name's Han Solo." Han groused as he glared at the Prince while he finished putting his pants and shirt on. "And you're a short-order cook. She's taken a step up in my opinion."

"You dare to insult The Gorgeous Rich Royal with Manly Flowing Locks?" Isolder took up a fighter's stance, fists raised. "I challenge you to a duel! I'll have you know I'm a galaxy-renowned fist-fighter, as well as being wildly wealthy. And I'm really tall. Let's not overlook how much taller I am than you."

"Oh, yeah?" Han shot back, looking around for a handy weapon. The only thing he could see was a large fork, which he snatched up and waved threateningly in Isolder's direction.

"You cheat!" Isolder yelled, backing up. "Fists only!"

Leia sidled up to Han, gently prying the fork from his fingers. "Put the fork away, darling. It has much better uses, trust me."

"We don't have time for duels!" Luke shouted as he finished putting on his own clothes. "We have Pimpletime's minions chasing us!"

Isolder swung his attention back to Leia. "Let me come with you, love. I will win you back from this cad."

"I suppose," Leia said reluctantly.

"What!?" Han shouted. "We're taking this lameoid along with us?"

"We can't leave him here," Leia argued, her own voice sounding weak to her ears.

"Would you mind if Artoo and I tag along?" Threepio questioned hopefully. "We were not created to be sous-chefs. And the flour keeps clouding up my receptors."

Luke answered the droid. "You can come. If I help you, maybe you'll help me. Right?"

"Of course I will assist you," Threepio said. "Most humans consider me quite helpful." Artoo gave a raspberry-sounding bleep. "Shut up, Artoo. No one asked you."

"This way," Isolder said, waving his arms. "We can use the back door to escape."

Han narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the Prince. "If you know a way out, why didn't you escape before?"

"Um," Isolder said, taking Leia's arm possessively. "I didn't have backup before. Yes, that's the reason. Plus, it never hurts to learn a new skill. An excellent chef will always have a job."

"Why would you need a job? Aren't you a rich prince?" Luke asked curiously as he followed the Prince down the hallway.

"These are tough economic times," Isolder said defensively. "My royal 409GTO Kingdom HedgeHog fund has taken a real hit lately. But my broker keeps telling me it will build back up if I give it enough time. The man's an idiot. How does he expect me to live on twenty thousand credits?"

"You're right," Luke commented. "Paying the type of bills you must have with only twenty thousand credits a year would be hard."

"A YEAR?" Isolder roared out in laughter. "I'm talking a _week_, Luke." He shook his head, chucking at the thought. "Twenty thousand a year!"

They turned a corner, and stumbled to a stop. Standing in their way were three stormtroopers, one who was very tall, one who was rather short, and one who was very gangly and quite clumsy, as it immediately dropped the object it was holding and the thing rolled down the hall in their direction, stopping at Leia's feet.

"Is that a garden gremlin?" Threepio questioned. "Artoo loves garden gremlins."

The short guard whipped off her helmet, and glared at the gangly stormtrooper. "Did you pick up that piece of bantha dung again after Chewie tossed it?"

"Mesa likes it," the guard answered petulantly.

"Mara!" Luke cried out in happiness. "You didn't abandon me!"

Chewie pulled off his own helmet, and rushed forward to embrace Han. "I'm alright, pal," Han gasped, trying to breathe as the Wookiee crushed him in happiness.

Isolder stepped toward Mara, dropping Leia's arm. "Why, hello beautiful. Whom, may I ask, do I have the pleasure of meeting?"

"This is Mara, the Good Witch of the Mouth," Luke said, trying to step between Isolder and Mara. "She's not interested in you."

"How do you know?" Isolder asked, irritated.

"Because… because I just know."

"I love it when men fight over me," Mara cooed happily, fluffing up her red-gold hair as she removed her disguise.

Leia put her hands on her hips. "We're in trouble. We'll never escape now."

"I agree," Han said. "This party's gotten way too big. Let's toss the Prince aside and cut our numbers."

"No, that's NOT what I mean," Leia said, pointing at Mara. "I've finally figured out why I don't like her. She works for Pimpletime!"

"Are you a chef, too?" Isolder asked hopefully. "I'd like to boil something with you."

"NO WAY!" Luke shouted. "I'm the one that's going to boil with Mara!" He quickly stopped yelling when he noticed that everyone was staring at him, confusion written across their faces. Han just smirked and winked.

"Leia's crazy. I don't work for Pimpletime," Mara responded flatly.

"You're a bad liar," Leia shot back. "Why did the Flying Jawas catch me and not you? How did they even know where we were? And yesterday you must have sent the Jawas to catch Luke and Han after they exited the spice flower field, but Jawas being Jawas, they mistakenly snatched up these two droids, instead. I'm right, and you know it."

Mara's face grew still, and she pulled out her magic wand as she moved away from the group. "It's over. Give up."

"Mara!" Luke cried out. "No…it can't be true! You're too practically perfect to be a minion of Pimples!"

"You are hereby arrested for attempting to assassinate my beloved Emperor Pimpletime! You will ALL boil for this treason!"


	13. Chapter 13

"See?" Leia said in triumph. "I _told_ you she works for Pimpletime."

"Bragging is déclassé, my love," Isolder informed Leia.

"How _could _you betray us?" Luke mumbled, still in shock from Mara's treachery. "I thought you were my shooting star."

Mara gave a genuine smile. "Aw, that's so sweet, Luke. If Pimpletime weren't my Great-Uncle, four times removed, I wouldn't be doing this."

"He's your uncle?" Leia asked, disgust showing across her features. "Yuck!"

"You don't have room to talk," Mara shot back. "The Vile Vicar is your father!"

"That's true, sweetheart," Han said to Leia.

"Oh, who asked you," Leia snapped.

"I believe that I'm related to Obi-Wan, the Wizard," Isolder mused, primping at his reflection in a hallway mirror after having removed the hairnet. "I'm pretty sure I have special powers, too. Did I mention I am an excellent pilot, as well as being incredibly wealthy?"

"Is everyone related to everyone else in this place?" Luke questioned. "That seems really weird to me."

"Yeah," Han agreed. "Wouldn't it be funny if you were related to someone here, too, kid?"

Luke rolled his eyes. "We all know that's not possible."

"It'd be more likely you're related to the Wookiee, Solo," Isolder said, giggling at his own joke.

Mara waved her weapon down the corridor. "I don't want to use my wand on you. So everyone needs to head back into the throne room, and no one will get hurt."

"No one will get hurt?" Han repeated, incredulously. "Luke and I will end up back in the pots! That'll hurt, trust me!"

Chewie let loose with a loud roar, and dove down, tackling Mara around her ankles. The magic wand flew from her fingers, twirling up into the air. Isolder casually snatched it before it hit the floor, then handed it to Leia. "Did I mention I'm incredibly agile and my reflexes are second to none?"

"Chewie!" Han yelled happily. "You've gotten your courage back."

"And mesa figure out how wesa get inner dis palace. So mesa tinks my smarts came back."

"Good for you, Can Can," Luke said, nodding.

"Waiter second," Can Can muttered, slapping his forehead. "Nows I remembers… mesa name not Can Can Jinx at all … mesa name is Jar Jar Binks." The Gungan shrugged, unconcerned with his confusion. "Dats sorter close, I supposer."

Holding Mara's wand, Leia stalked toward Mara who was still lying on the floor, dazed. "I say we chop off her head and send it to Pimples for dessert."

"No!" Luke shouted, grabbing Leia's wrist. "She made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. If you can forgive your father for freezing Han, we all should be able to forgive Mara for trying to send us back into slavery and into boiling booze."

Isolder gave a loud sniff. "That's so magnanimous of you, Luke. Have I mentioned I graduated Summa cum Laude from the most difficult military academy in the galaxy, so I know really big words like magnanimous?"

"Fine," Leia snapped. "You're responsible for her, though. If she gets us killed, it'll be all your fault."

"I'll take that chance," Luke replied, helping Mara to her feet.

"I can't believe you'd save my life after finding out I work for Pimpletime," Mara said, kissing Luke's cheek and making him blush. "Now, if I could figure out how to make my uncle's voice go away, I'd be free at last!"

"His voice?" Luke questioned, puzzled.

"Yes," Mara replied. "I can hear him calling me inside my head. Once I was in a holo-theater and I heard someone with a gravely old voice ordering me to get up and put more butter on his popped maize. I thought it was the elderly couple sitting behind me, so I turned around and threatened them with my wand if they didn't shut up. You should have seen their shocked expressions!" Mara shook her head sadly. "They ran screaming from the holo-theater, but the same familiar voice kept demanding that kriffing butter. That's when I figured out Emperor Pimpletime could talk to me inside my head."

"Dat's so sad!" Jar Jar wailed loudly. "Mesa hears voices sumtimes, too!"

Luke reached up and pulled a small device from Mara's ear. "Maybe if you took out this Red-Fang ear speaker, you would stop hearing Pimples' voice."

Mara's eyes grew wide as she stared at the small amplifier. "Luke! Pimples' voice… it's gone! I'm free!"

"We should probably leave now," Threepio piped up. "Otherwise, even the Jawas might be able to figure out what has happened to us."

The large group of escapees hurried out of the back door and rushed toward the relative safety of the forest. Soon they were back on the purple paved path.

"Now I guess I'll never get back home," Luke said unhappily as they walked toward the ocean, where Leia told them her father lived.

"Why is that, kid?" Han questioned. "All you have to do is follow the purple paved path backwards."

"I failed to fulfill my destiny," Luke replied. "I was suppose to destroy Pimpletime, and all I did was destroy his robe."

"You don't know that," Han argued. "We left before the fire on his robes was completely put out. For all you know, he might have died in that big booze blaze. All you have to do is tell the Wizard you set him on fire, and let him come to the conclusion Pimples is dead."

"But that's lying!"

"It's not lying," Han insisted. "It's telling the truth, from a certain point of view."

"The smuggler has a point," Isolder agreed. "And it is painful for me to say that."

"It doesn't matter," Leia said firmly. "My father is a great guy. He'll help you get home."

"That is most generous, Leia, Good Witch of Nots," Threepio told her. "Perhaps he will help Artoo and me get back to the Crystal City?"

"I doubt that," Leia said. "We could always use more droids around our house, and my father hates the Wizard."

"Oh, dear," Theepio said, sounding crestfallen.

"Once we get back to Leia's house, Vader will be forced to decide who will become his son-in-law," Isolder crowed gleefully. "Let's see… who will he choose? A Gorgeous Rich Royal with Manly Flowing Locks? Or the worthless, no-account smuggler with no future?"

"He didn't choose you last time, either," Han pointed out. "So I'd say my chances are as good as yours."

Isolder spun around to face the Corellian. "Would you like to bet?"

"Sure," Han responded. "I'm always up for a sure thing. What do you have in mind?"

"Whoever Vader _doesn't _pick as his son-in-law, must scrub toilets for an entire year in Vader's home. With a toothbrush." Isolder winked at Luke. "Vader has a really, really big house. Almost as big as my royal palace, if I do say so myself. Hundreds of toilets!"

"I have no problem with that bet," Han said. "I hope you own lots of toothbrushes, Prince."

"I do, actually. One for each tooth." He gave a wide smile, showing his perfect teeth. "I've never had a cavity in my life."

"You've got to be the most annoying person in the galaxy," Mara snapped at Isolder. "I'm the practically perfect one in the Land of B'Ooz."

Isolder sniffed. "Practically? My dear, I AM perfect!" He leaned closer to Mara. "Would you like me to kiss you and prove it?"

Mara blinked. "Your breath… it's so … so fresh."

"Of course it is." Isolder bent down, and planted a long kiss on Mara's lips. "How was that?"

"Wow," Mara gasped. "That was the best kiss I've ever had."

"I have no doubt," Isolder replied, puffing out his chest.

"This isn't right," Luke yelled in frustration as he gave Isolder a shove. "I want Mara! Why are you kissing her in front of Leia? Aren't you going to ask Vader for Leia's hand in marriage? What kind of person are you?"

"The kind of guy that the ladies can't resist," Isolder answered, sounding bored. "Even after I marry Leia, you surely don't think that suddenly other women will stop noticing me. That's the price I pay for my stunning genes."

"Looks!" Jar Jar yelled, pointing. "Mesa see a pretty houser."

Everyone turned their attention to where Jar Jar, formerly known as Can Can, was pointing. An extremely large estate sat high upon a manicured hill, and the purple path wound its way upward to the front gate.

"That's my house," Leia informed them. "You can see the ocean from almost every room."

"Stars, but that woman likes to brag," Isolder groused, trudging up the hill ahead of everyone else.

"I have to admit, I'm sorta nervous about meeting up with Vader again," Han whispered to Luke. "We didn't part on the best of terms last time."

Luke was still fuming about Isolder kissing Mara. "If Isolder kisses Mara one more time, I'm using my magic wand on him."

"You'll have to wait in line," Leia muttered under her breath.

"I'm worried about meeting Vader, too," Mara said. "He doesn't like anyone related to Pimpletime."

"If you're related to Leia and Vader, and you're related to Pimpletime, doesn't it follow that Leia and Vader are also related to Pimpletime?" Luke questioned.

"Oh, Luke," Mara said, laughing as she started up the hill. "You're so naïve. That's what I love about you."

"But…" Luke paused, then grinned. "Mara said she loves me." He hurried after the Good Witch of the Mouth.

With great trepidation, the rest of the gang moved toward the huge home.


	14. Chapter 14

Halfway up the long walkway, Isolder stopped and pointed to two women playing some type of game involving rackets and a net on the immaculate front lawn. "Who are those smoking hot ladies?"

Leia frowned. "That's my mother and my best friend, Winter."

"I don't believe I've ever met either of them," Isolder said, taking out a comb and running it through his long hair. "That is my loss, and I shall endeavor to make up for lost time." He waved wildly. "Hello, stunning nymphs! Allow me to introduce myself. I am Leia's fiancé, The Gorgeous Rich Royal with Manly Flowing Locks."

"He was engaged to you and he never met your mother?" Luke questioned Leia.

"My mother is seldom home," Leia replied. "She's quite busy being a Queen, you know."

"No, I _didn't_ know," Luke returned, annoyed that Leia would automatically assume he knew her mother was a queen.

Both women stopped their game, and Leia's mother walked over, holding a small white object in one hand. "Hello. My name is Padme, the Altruistic and Forbidden Queen." Padme waved toward the white-headed girl she'd been playing the game with. "And this is Winter, the Friend with a Photographic Memory." Padme smiled at Jar Jar. "Why, hello there, Jar Jar Binks. Have you located your missing intellect yet?"

"Yes, ma'ams," Jar Jar said, bowing deeply. "Mesa glads to meets yous againer."

Padme turned to look at Luke. "You've got such pretty blue eyes," she said with a sniff. "I had a baby boy with blue eyes, a long time ago."

"What happened to him?" Luke asked.

The older woman began sobbing, and Leia grabbed Luke by his arm. "Our family never talks about it," she whispered into his ear. "Obi-Wan, the Wizard of B'Ooz, ordered his Tusken gypsy raiders to kidnap the baby boy out of his warm, safe crib one bitter cold winter night, when the moon was full and the sky was crystal clear."

"Why?"

Leia glared at Luke. "How would I know? Didn't I just get done telling you we never discuss it? I never even heard them speak the poor blue-eyed baby's name aloud."

"Oh, okay," Luke said, feeling sorry for the family. He looked over as Isolder was bowing to the women, and recalled dreams he sometimes had of having a beautiful mother like Padme.

"Salutations, beautiful ladies," Isolder said demurely, kissing each of their hands in turn. "If you are bored with this game, I could take you out to a lovely dinner tonight. Wine and dancing to soft jizz music under warm, romantic candlelight."

"Do you flirt with every female you see?" Han shouted at the Prince. "I thought you wanted to marry Leia!"

"Of course I want to marry Leia," Isolder said, baffled at the question. "I don't see the problem with being polite."

"What sort of game are you playing?" Luke asked Padme, hoping to distract her from her crying. He watched the white object in the Queen's hand start to flutter in an attempt to escape.

"Oh, this is a game called Bad Mittens," Padme explained. "You whack a birdie back and forth, from one side of the net to the other with a racket, and hope you don't miss."

Luke looked appalled. "You hit a bird? Isn't that cruel?"

"We only hit the birdie _very_ lightly." Padme said, sounding miffed.

"Besides, it's much more cruel to miss," Winter added knowingly.

"Is Father home?" Leia asked. "I have to talk to him about which guy I'm allowed to marry."

"Yes, dear. He's in the library. Just ring the front bell, and our lovely new maid will let you in."

"We have a new maid?"

"Yes," Padme replied. "She came up to the door one day wearing rags, and claiming she was destitute and starving. I felt sorry for her, so I hired her. But now the family jewels are turning up missing. I think, perhaps, our maid's spice habit is over-riding her better judgment."

"You hired a maid with a spice habit?" Luke asked. "Isn't that taking a chance?"

"Life is full of chances," Padme said, then turned to Winter. "Now, where were we?"

Both women returned to their game, and Padme soon missed hitting the bedraggled bird. It fell on the lawn, squawking loudly. A second later, a small black animal with white paws shot out from under a bush, grabbed the bird in its jaws, and took off.

"BAD MITTENS!" Padme cried out, chasing the animal around the bush and waving her racket in the air. "Bad, bad Mittens! Put that birdie down!"

Leaving the bizarre game behind, the group arrived at the gilded front doorway, and Leia rang the bell. Inside, a loud, wailing horn sounded, echoing though the enormous home.

"Why don't you just go inside if it's your house?" Luke asked.

Leia held out her arms. "And where on this outfit do you think I'm hiding a key?"

Han grinned. "I'd like to do a complete body search, sweetheart."

"Solo is so crass," Isolder huffed. "I'd never say such things to you, Leia."

"Now I remember why I never cared that you disappeared," Leia muttered.

The huge door swung open, and a young woman with auburn hair wearing a frilly maid's uniform and a crisp white cap stood inside the threshold. "May I help you?"

"BRIA?" both Han and Isolder screeched out simultaneously. Both men turned and glared at one another. "How do you know Bria, the Idealistic, yet Quaintly Flawed Femme-fatale?" Isolder demanded.

"I… I …" Han spluttered.

"Han!" Bria cried in joy, flinging her arms around Han's neck. "My one true love!"

"Hey!" Isolder said, crossing his arms. "What about me? You used to call _me_ your one true love!"

"Oh, that's right," Bria said, tilting her head coyly and hurrying over to hug the Prince. "I love you, too."

"Wait a star's end second," Leia yelled. "_Both _of you are in love with my father's MAID?"

"No!" Han and Isolder replied in perfect sync. They glared at each other, and Han turned to Leia. "Sweetheart, Bria is from my distant past. She betrayed me about six or seven times before I finally figured her out. I swear I thought she was deader than a flattened womp-rat."

"I see," Leia said frostily. "So I'm good enough once the old girl kicked the dura-bucket."

"I'm not old," Bria said, pouting demurely. "Just wise beyond my years." She turned and batted her eyes at Luke. "And who are you? You're cute."

"He's taken," Mara snapped, grabbing Luke's arm.

Luke looked from Mara to Bria and back again. "You two look a lot alike. You're both redheads. You both have green eyes. You're both quaintly flawed femme-fatales."

"I am _nothing_ like her," Mara growled out in warning, her eyes flashing with rage.

Luke nodded. "You're right. I can't imagine what I was thinking. Never mind."

A loud, deep voice boomed from inside the house. "What is going on?"

"That's my father," Leia explained to Luke. "The Vile Vicar of the Vest. Come inside, and I'll introduce you." She hurriedly pushed past Bria, pulling Han along in the process.

Seeing that both Han and Luke were currently attached to other females, Bria gladly grasped Isolder's arm and guided him into the mansion. "Ohh, you have such strong muscles," Bria breathed.

"Yes, I do," Isolder stated. "I have my very own private gym and personal trainer, as well as a nutritionist and hygienist. All this perfection does not come cheaply."

Everyone followed Leia through the foyer and into a large, darkened library. "Father! I'm home!"

The Vicar stood up from the winged chair he was seated upon, and turned to face the large group. Luke could immediately see why the tall, blond headed man was referred to by his vest. The man's chest area was covered with a heavy black metal chest-plate which contained hundreds of tiny colorful buttons that blinked on and off like psychotic holiday decorations. His face, however, was perfectly normal, and although he had a long scar running down one side, which gave him a bit of a menacing look, his blue eyes seemed kindly enough.

"What are you wearing?" Vader hissed out, shocked at his daughter's outfit.

"Oh, this," Leia replied, glancing down at her skimpy clothes. "Pimpletime caught me and made me wear this gold bikini. He's a wrinkled old loser with delusions of grandeur."

"I'll kill that oozing old freak!" Vader roared, shaking his fist. "How dare he humiliate my baby girl like that."

"I'm NOT your baby girl, daddy," Leia grumbled. "As a matter of fact, I'm all grown up and I've brought both of my boyfriends back with me."

Vader turned his steely gaze at Han and Isolder. "I thought I'd taken care of you." He shrugged. "You may now plead your case, and I will decide who gets Leia and who gets to die."

"Selling me to Pimpletime was mean," Isolder cried out, dropping to his knees. "I beg of you, Vile daddy dearest! Spare my life and allow me to sire your grandchildren! I am of Royal lineage, and I'm certain my offspring will inherit my glorious good-looks."

"Uh, Vader?" Han said nervously. "I ain't begging for nothin'. I love Leia, and you'll have to do something a lot worse than carbonite to keep me from marrying her. We'll run off and elope if you won't give us your blessing, but one way or the other, me an' Leia are gettin' hitched."

Vader sighed. "Prince Isolder, arise."

Smirking toward Han, the Prince got up and hurried to stand next to Vader. "I knew you'd pick me." He put his arm around the man and gave him a peck on the cheek. "Isolder wuvs you, daddy dearest."

Barely flicking his wrist, Vader sent the Prince sailing across the room and into a tall bookshelf, which promptly dropped dozens of dusty old tomes upon the Prince's dome. Bria gave a high-pitched screech, and hurried over to Isolder's side and helped him to his feet. "Poor Issy-doodle!" Bria commiserated. "Let me kiss your boo-boo."

"I've told you a million times not to call me Issy-doodle," Isolder complained, rubbing his head. "It sounds like a description of a mutt, and I am the exact opposite of a mutt!"

Vader turned to address Han. "Although I am not pleased with having a smuggler for a son-in-law, at least you have proven to me you have a spine. Therefore, you can marry my daughter."

"Oh, Daddy!" Leia shouted in joy as Han grabbed her and spun her around in glee. "Thank you!"

"We'll see if you'll be thanking me five years from now," Vader grumbled. "Now, who are all these other losers?"

"Well," Leia began, pointing first to Jar Jar. "That's Jar Jar Binks, the Gungan who finally found his brain. And standing over there is Chewie, who rediscovered his courage. The droids are C-3PO and his friend, Artoo. They ended up working in Pimpletime's kitchen with Isolder. And you already know Mara, the Good Witch of the Mouth. She's fallen in love with Luke Skywalker, the Son of the Chosen One."

"WHAT?" Vader shouted so loudly that everyone cringed in fear.

Shaking, Luke stepped forward. "Hello, sir. My name is Luke Skywalker. Yoda, the Wise Green Sage, told me I was the Son of the Chosen One, and it was my destiny to destroy Pimpletime. But, honestly, I failed in that task. Will you be able to help me find my way home?" He turned and smiled at Mara. "And will you come back to Tatooine with me, my love?"

"I'll go anywhere with you, Luke," Mara said sincerely. "Even a hot, dry desert planet without a single redeeming feature, out in the farthest reaches of the galaxy."

Vader blinked hard, and to everyone's utter shock, a tear rolled down his cheek. "But you are _already_ home, son. I AM the Chosen One."

"You mean…" Leia gasped. "Luke's my long-lost blue-eyed brother? Get out of here!"

"Your twin brother, actually," Vader added.

"Ha!" Han said, snorting with laughter as he slapped Luke on the back. "Didn't I say you'd turn out to be related to someone? More than _one_ someone, too."

"Wowsa," Jar Jar piped up. "Dats so cool. Now everybody isa related!"

"Wait a second," Luke interrupted. "Pimpletime said he ate _Anakin_, not Vader!"

"My given name is Anakin," Vader admitted reluctantly. "But it's such a girly name, I had to think of something scarier to fit my image."

Luke frowned, and felt Vader's arms. "You look pretty much in one piece to me."

"Don't believe anything Pimpletime tells you," Vader told Luke. "He can't recall fact from fiction, especially after I sent him a vision to allow him to believe he'd eaten me so he'd leave me and my family alone."

"What about me?" Isolder whined. "I'm a Rich Prince and no one is paying any attention to me anymore."

"How about I find you a dirty toothbrush?" Han taunted. "That was the bet… remember, _Issy-doo_?"

"Han, I really don't want Isolder hanging around our mansion scrubbing toilets with Bria," Leia declared.

"So we can leave?" Isolder asked hopefully.

"The sooner the better," Vader barked out, pointing at the exit.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Isolder and Bria hurried out of the door, and ran away together down the purple paved path.

"There go two people that richly deserve each other," Han stated, waving goodbye to his crazy ex-girlfriend and the galaxy's most perfectly annoying prince.

"Now I really need a new maid," Vader mused. "Jar Jar Binks, do you need a job?"

"Mesa loves to worker for yous and Miz Padme," the Gungan shouted in happiness.

"And Artoo and I will be pleased to remain and assist you in preparing for both upcoming nuptials," Threepio added.

"Thanks, Threepio," Luke said. "We'd appreciate that." He smiled at Mara. "If you're interested in arranging our nuptials, of course."

"Of course I am," Mara replied. "Besides, I need to perform my good deed for the year. Marrying the Son of the Chosen One will do just fine."

"It looks like you're gonna get to boil after all, kid," Han said, grinning widely.

"I can't wait," Luke replied, feeling a sense of pure happiness and bliss flow through his entire being. He gazed around the opulent mansion, smiling. "This really is a wonderful place to live. I guess there truly _is_ no place like home."

* * *

"There's no place like home," Luke repeated, mumbling into the pillow. "There's no place like home…"

A gentle hand shook his shoulder. "Wake up, Luke. The storm has passed and it's safe to go home now."

Luke sat up abruptly, blinking the sleep from his eyes. "Obi-Wan?"

The old wizard looked startled. "Obi-Wan? No, my name is Ben. Ben Kenobi."

The young man looked around the dusty hut, and felt the familiar dry air of Tatooine. "I fell asleep."

"So you did."

"I had the weirdest dream. There was a heartless smuggler named Solo, and a Wookiee who had lost his courage, and a Gungan who couldn't remember his own name…"

"Really?" Ben asked gently. "Perhaps the electricity in the dust storm had a strange effect on you."

"Maybe," Luke conceded. "There was a nice Good Witch named Leia, and a beautiful Good Witch named Mara. It all seemed so real…"

"Maybe what you saw was the future," Ben suggested. "The Force can work in mysterious ways."

"You were there, too," Luke said. "But it's all getting kinda hazy now that I'm awake."

"Dreams do fade," Ben agreed. "Even the most vivid of dreams disappear once we awake."

"I wish I had remained asleep," Luke replied sadly. "I wanted to stay in the Land of B'Ooz and marry Mara."

Ben Kenobi patted Luke's shoulder. "Give it time, Luke. Just give it time."

"I'd better get home," Luke said, rising from the small cot. "Uncle Owen is going to be furious."

"He will be glad to see you are alive and well," Ben reassured the boy. "Someday, you will visit me again."

Luke stopped at the door, and looked back over his shoulder. For a brief moment, he believed he saw the same small doorway where the droids had disappeared, but when he looked harder he could tell it was only a supply cabinet that sat slightly open, and it was filled with food supplies. Still, beyond the stacks of jars and cans, a thin beam of bright light filtered out, almost beckoning Luke to push aside the supplies and enter inside. Luke reached inside his pocket and felt a small metal object. He pulled it out, and smiled as he saw the Red-Fang transmitter.

"Yes," Luke said quietly. "I'll be back. Real soon."

**THE END**


End file.
